Dear Reader,
To give you a little background on this writing. I wrote this at 3 am and it took about ten minutes to write. I think I was truly asleep when I put it down but it is my first writing in about ten years. Enjoy......
As I sit starring at this blank sheet of paper I wonder what is going on out in the world right this very minute. When we go to sleep a whole other place wakes up and begins. Did you ever wonder what is happening or if it will somehow effect what we do or whether we will ever know. Answers don’t often come the way we want them too and they sometimes take awhile to get to us. We expect to be given the solution when a question is asked but in some things the answer only adds to the already confusing or complexity of the answers to which we seek. When we search for answers what are we really looking for and do we know when we find it. Questions are what we need to ask in order to continue learning. It seems so odd that something so simple could create a entire chain of events. A chain that cannot be changed except by asking more questions and using those answers to continue.
We live in a world that gives us experiences on a daily and momentary basis yet we don’t take the time to learn from these experiences. Doesn’t our need to understand and express ourselves teach us that we need to ask in order to go on. When we get the wrong answer do we keep searching until we get the one we want which may not be the right one anyhow. But yet we do and finding our way is how we use all those answers that we don’t like to begin with. Knowledge builds on our desire to know something.
But what happens when we take the time out to sleep. A place opens up its time here and begins to ask and seek. Then the cycle repeats itself and are those same questions asked again. Wouldn’t it be great if someone took the time to open a journal and write all those things down. But we do and they are the books and the internet. Yet we still have questions to ponder and answers to decide if we want them or not.
When we open our minds up to fill the brain with the answers that we get we should take a moment to let it wander and wonder. Our day gives us so much but we just file the answers and move on instead of looking at the reason that we needed them. Does that mean we are full of useless knowledge waiting to be used one day to clear up a lapse in judgement. Which we all have and find that a lapse can be a experience that leaves others asking why and then that whole question thing starts up again.
So, now I leave you with a question that I ponder sitting here. What exactly is happening somewhere else right now and will I hear or read about it later in order to answer my question?
Friday, December 16, 2011
does your soul really have eyes?
As i ponder this i am moved by the way we talk about our bodies and use our soul as a way to express the depth of pain, comfort and joy among many others.
My soul was deeply hurt one day many years ago and it has never recovered. It has a empty void that was created by a broken heart, yes another body part that seems to have unusual capabilities. I do not think i will ever move past this time and deep down into my soul there it sits with other soul items. But this is one that will never heal and i guess that is the way it is.
If you looked into my soul you would see the moments that have mostly given me pain. We look at our selves as thought provoking humans but it seems that we are full of complexities that most people cannot imagine nor do they even try. We have souls that leave us in pain and joy but only when we are in pain does our soul really hurt. But what happens when our souls move on do they take all this power or does it just leave.
I will always have a love that will be in my soul and cannot be taken, we all have them but are always afraid to talk about them, this does not make us bad persons or not capable of loving others but there is always one. I guess if I actally had closure i would not be carrying such a deep pain but maybe that is why i have deep pain because i never had this opportunity to close that chapter, and do we really have chapters? are we books?
The soul is a dark and lonely place that carries all of our hearts and minds moments, it does not get to give any opinions or object to what it is given but it is allowed to be a part of us. we move about with memories that guide us through our lives and at times do not get the closure that we so want. our hearts break and we store the pain away with all the others hoping that it never happens again and then we feel safe if only for a moment of time but then something triggers that soul to bring to the front the memory that was on the edge and never really went away. We search for an answer and attempt to bring closure within ourselves but we never truly can because that is not how it works in life. People say that the soul has eyes but does it and what does it see? I do not think that the soul has eyes for if it did we would be windows of many different colors and not all of them would be good. I would hope that the painful things would show the loudest and that we would be given the chance to deal with the souls pain and its complicated emotions. but as humans we are always on guard and never work them out or do we attempt to put them at rest so that we can move on and find new things to add to our souls. I really hope that my one painful moment is never confronted because i donot know how i would react nor what i would say. but i guess for my souls sake i would want that moment to happen. when this person broke my heart it was done so painfully that my soul still grieves.
now if our souls had eyes everyone could see inside of us and know our individualized pasts. we would all be afraid that someone would see themselves in our reflections and bleed. we are so guarded by our emotions that we never let them out and keep them locked away for fear of anger or retaliation.. I cannot help what my soul feels and gives me, but we would be penalized for past pains taht we have no more control of nor could our soul see into the future in order not to make a change in direction that would leave us without pain in our soul.
G-d gives us pain and all other emotions I think to help us understand the complexity of the human mind. we have the capacity to change things with our prior experience but it does not always seem to go with what we expect will happen.
My soul was deeply hurt one day many years ago and it has never recovered. It has a empty void that was created by a broken heart, yes another body part that seems to have unusual capabilities. I do not think i will ever move past this time and deep down into my soul there it sits with other soul items. But this is one that will never heal and i guess that is the way it is.
If you looked into my soul you would see the moments that have mostly given me pain. We look at our selves as thought provoking humans but it seems that we are full of complexities that most people cannot imagine nor do they even try. We have souls that leave us in pain and joy but only when we are in pain does our soul really hurt. But what happens when our souls move on do they take all this power or does it just leave.
I will always have a love that will be in my soul and cannot be taken, we all have them but are always afraid to talk about them, this does not make us bad persons or not capable of loving others but there is always one. I guess if I actally had closure i would not be carrying such a deep pain but maybe that is why i have deep pain because i never had this opportunity to close that chapter, and do we really have chapters? are we books?
The soul is a dark and lonely place that carries all of our hearts and minds moments, it does not get to give any opinions or object to what it is given but it is allowed to be a part of us. we move about with memories that guide us through our lives and at times do not get the closure that we so want. our hearts break and we store the pain away with all the others hoping that it never happens again and then we feel safe if only for a moment of time but then something triggers that soul to bring to the front the memory that was on the edge and never really went away. We search for an answer and attempt to bring closure within ourselves but we never truly can because that is not how it works in life. People say that the soul has eyes but does it and what does it see? I do not think that the soul has eyes for if it did we would be windows of many different colors and not all of them would be good. I would hope that the painful things would show the loudest and that we would be given the chance to deal with the souls pain and its complicated emotions. but as humans we are always on guard and never work them out or do we attempt to put them at rest so that we can move on and find new things to add to our souls. I really hope that my one painful moment is never confronted because i donot know how i would react nor what i would say. but i guess for my souls sake i would want that moment to happen. when this person broke my heart it was done so painfully that my soul still grieves.
now if our souls had eyes everyone could see inside of us and know our individualized pasts. we would all be afraid that someone would see themselves in our reflections and bleed. we are so guarded by our emotions that we never let them out and keep them locked away for fear of anger or retaliation.. I cannot help what my soul feels and gives me, but we would be penalized for past pains taht we have no more control of nor could our soul see into the future in order not to make a change in direction that would leave us without pain in our soul.
G-d gives us pain and all other emotions I think to help us understand the complexity of the human mind. we have the capacity to change things with our prior experience but it does not always seem to go with what we expect will happen.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Story Of Me
I was asked to write about my story and what it was like growing up in a children's home. First I have to go back to the why part which is not pretty and while it is not the story of the perfect childhood it is the one I know. I should note that I only spent a few years there because in my case it was hidden rather well for years. My story is one of many and while I am where I am today and think that it is the strength of my being that I am able to be me.
I guess I should start out by telling you that the violence in my family was not just directed at one person but at all members it did not matter who you were we all got it. Learning to duck and run for cover or to hide until you were found was pretty much the name of the game. I learned how to cross streets at the age of three which seemed to be the magic number for me. I guess that was the age I seem to remember back to as when the most violence started or maybe that is all I care to remember. I can remember my mother being drunk all day long every day. I have such memories of my father taking my mothers head and slamming it repeatedly into the walls so hard that it left holes in it. He would hit her with his fists over and over. He would go after my brother next but first he would have to get through his bedroom door and then beat him. My brother was so beaten he would not be able to go to school. I would run and hide or head out the door and run across four lane highways to get away. I would run as far as I thought was far enough for a little girl of three and yes three. I remember how little I was because when it first started we lived up in north Fl. By the time we got to Hialeah I was four and I was still running and then we were in Miami and yep still had no fear of running across roads that seemed bigger then me. But then after what I was seeing the cars and trucks I guess were easier to deal with then that. I was given my beatings and I did not get away from the others either I just took them like the others. I learned that no one was going to rescue us even though the police made almost daily visits to our house. I went to school crying, sad and very withdrawn but the teachers never seemed to notice or just turned and looked the other way. They must have figured it out at some point. I know at one school they knew but they just did nothing about it. The bruises were always hidden where you could not see them. But the emotional scars were more obvious they were pretty open and always bleeding. This is the condensed and very edited version of this story. The more graphic and violent parts I left out but if you want just allow your imagination to float freely and then you will have the full version. No holds barred on what you come up with probably happened.
Was I ever saved by anyone during my childhood? no, there was never a teacher that tried to help me, ever at any point or time. I was alone to figure it out and deal with it all. Take it in. I had no one to help me at any time. I could not go to anyone nor did I learn to trust anyone. On top of it there is the other issue that I had a set of parents that basically were as dysfunctional as jello. They were lousy as parents and I had no nurturing at all so as far as being raised I was not. I had to figure out life on my own. I had to learn that life was not some easy road that you get to grow up and have a great family that loves you and protects you. Nope I got the unwritten book, it was blank and I had to write it all beginning at a very young age. For me it was really survival I had no choice. No one was going to protect me I had to protect myself. So I did. I am not saying that I was great at it because I stumbled quite a bit. But I learned how to find my way through this world in ways that most would not have been able to. You have to learn that it is okay to doubt yourself, feel insecure, be different and not be like all the others.
Now for the childrens home. I was living with my grandparents. Not a very healthy environment. Allot of fighting going on. And violence there as well. I was taken on August 10, that day I will never forget. I went there and your first moments in the cottage is like a sizing up. The other kids check you out. You are shown your room, mine was on the side where the kitchen was. My roommates were two girls Johnnie and Jamie. I met them and then I started meeting everyone else. That is all I remember of that day. There were allot of experiences there and I will tell you about some of them. I had allot but there are some that are more momentous then others. Ones that I think gave me something and some that were terrifying to say the least. My house parents were ms. dudley and I do not remember the other. ms. buam came later. Ms. dudley was my favorite, she made the best peach cobbler and for me that is pretty good since I hate peaches. The cottage was pretty big and we had chores to do everyday besides our homework and we had playtime as well. We went to church and had other activities. People used to come and play with us from churches and colleges. I think if you asked me how I felt about that I would have told you I hated it because I did not being treated like I was some poor little child. I wanted to be left alone. These people always made me feel like they were doing me a favor by being there.
I will get one of the two worst moments out of the way since they were pretty bad. The first was one of my Christmases. Everyone was sitting in the living room and the houseparents were handing out all the presents. All the kids were getting lots of gifts. I sat there watching everyone opening their presents and never said a word. Eventually Ms. Dudley looked over at me and asked me if I got anything and I said no. She asked if I was sure and I said yes. They looked around and realized I had not one gift and all the others had theirs. So I just sat there watching everyone. I was not upset really and I do not know why. It really did not bother me. When they were able to ask the office it was discovered that my name had somehow been accidently left off the list. Okay, to this day I have never figured out how that could have happened it wasn't like I was new or anything at that point I had been there over 11/2 years. But they apologized and when I came home from school they had gone out and bought me clothes. I was happy they did that but I did not see that as presents since it was not anything exciting or I wanted. But they tried to make up for me not being on the list and sitting there that day. So yes I truly did not get anything for Christmas one year. I was left off a list, maybe Santa's! Maybe I was the only kid on the naughty list? Either way I learned something that day and that is no one should ever feel that kind of feeling. Do you know what that feels like I bet not. It is the horrible. I would never want anyone to feel that way. Which is why I can never be mean or hateful to someone it is kind of like that. You cannot imagine that kind of pain. Nothing anyone can do to me could make me hate them or want to make them feel the kind of pain. It hurts you to the bottom of your soul. Your heart is broken. For me is was someone's oversight that hurt a child and that child was me. I was a child that had already been so hurt so destroyed by violence that I had already chosen to survive so when it happened I just sat there and dealt with it the best way I knew how. But yes it did hurt. People like me can handle this stuff not many can because they are not equipped with the tools to do it.
Then we have the topper of my great life. My fateful day at the bus stop. I am sitting there waiting for the bus to take me on to high school. I am staring down the street and see this little boy walking down the road. Then a car comes and I see the car go off the road and hit the boy. Of course I think at first no, he hit a box then I see the boys hands hit the roof of the car. As the car is coming towards me I am seeing the boys body on the windshield. The car slammed on the brakes and the boy was thrown off the car and right on the street in front of me. Within ten feet. He was ripped open and I watched him dying. I jumped up and ran towards my cottage. I fell into the door and tried to tell my houseparents what had happened but I was so scared I could not. I had just watched a boy his body so destroyed by a car dying in front of me and that in itself was hard to deal with let alone tell them. I finally was able to motion and I guess tell them. I had to go back out to the scene and I remember the man coming at me and all these police officers jumping on him and me being pulled away. I was a witness the only one that was able to see it all and every gruesome detail. And yes off to school I went. Back then they did not have grief counselors or anyone to talk to you. Yep, I guess I had allot of years to prepare me for this moment because I had again, no one to tell me it was going to be okay. That man was never going to hurt me, find me, come and get me. Yeah those thoughts were going through my mind why would they not. I did not know it at the time but yes I was going to be the one to put someone in prison for a long time and that is allot of weight for a kid. Oddly it was not a parent and again no one protected me. Kind of gotten used to this scenario by now. You learned that no matter what protecting yourself was a full time job. I looked over my shoulder all the time. NO one at church or anywhere never knew how terrified I was everyday that he was going to find me. I never had counseling or any therapy to deal with that accident. Took along time but I did finally take a step in 2010. A odd one I always knew the name of the man that killed that boy and I never forgot it. I contacted him via email. He responded back immediately we were the only two and both of us did the same thing never forgot him in fact everyday, all the time he was right there in our thoughts. You never forget a trauma like that. He asked me what he could do for me and I said just knowing I was not alone that day and that he understood how I felt since no one else ever did and we talked some more. I was able to finally put that boy to rest but he is still in my heart and will always be there. The man who hit him graduated from the University of Miami School of Law and the day he hit that boy he has just pass the law exam and was coming home from a night of partying and well he should have not been behind the wheel. He started practicing law much latter then planned. I still feel he should have been barred for life. You have to forgive people in life for things they do and I had to forgive him, I will say that I had to go deep into my soul to do it because he took another piece of me that day.
Living in a children's home I guess has it happy moments but I do not think we are there because we want to be there and jumped up and down when we arrived. Back in the '70's in was different there. I say it was a orphanage it was not what it is today. We were there and it was a place where as children we learned that adults were people that had intentions that were not always the best. While they appeared to want to do good I do not think they meant it all the time. I saw things that I will never understand and just did not want to. We never talked with each other about why we were there I think it was just that we did not need to we all knew that it was not a good reason so why discuss it. The first few days was like a initiation where the other kids checked you out and once that was over you became part of the group. There were I think 13 of us in the cottage. There were some that were there a long time, foster homes were not like they are today so that was not an option. You had allot of names to learn and rules, oh the rules. You got your chores, met all the other kids learned all kinds of things. It was a world within itself. I would never write a tell all book but that is a funny thing that no one ever has I think we would hunt that person down for telling our secrets and yes we have plenty of them. We are brothers and sisters bound by that eternal bond that no one understands. Bound by the chains of the common stories that brought us there to begin with. Our lives were no cake walk and our stories are all just as scary as the next. Mine is just one of many that could make you happy that you had a great childhood or that your parent just beat you a few times. We are the survivors the ones who back then learned to stand by each other and never let anyone bring us down. At school there were kids who labeled us "home kids" yeah wasn't that a nice thing to be called. The hardest thing for me was that by the time I got to high school I had gone to all the feeder elementary and middle schools that I was either in my violent home or the children's home so yes almost everyone of you have known me during that time in my life.
Actually the only school that I was not was Hialeah High but I was there my first year out of the home and well my social skills were not great. You see you do not socialize very much there. We did not except with each other, that is all we had. We went to school and had friends but we did not just go over to their house. So when I got to Hialeah High it was a whole new world for me. I had no clue about social skills. I never got a book on it. I should have gotten Emily Posts book on Etiquette! But I look back and other then having to still be scared of my shadow and unsure of the world I was suddenly a part of I really liked being at that school. I had some firsts that I would not have changed for anything, met some great people and had one teacher I just really liked. I did not have to explain myself but I think my shyness showed and I think I just wanted to be liked. I was still dealing with the trauma of the accident and the trial was coming up so I was never allowed to talk about it. I had a nice Hialeah Police Officer who made sure I was always safe. We always talked about things he made sure knew that the man was not going to find me. You have to understand that with all the crap I had been through in my life they did not give me counseling but gave me protection, go figure? My police officer was always aware of where I was and what I was doing, but you have to know I was scared every day that the man was going to find me. He knew I lived in the home but how did I know that he knew where I was in Hialeah?
At South Miami High I knew people from two elementary and two middle schools. Everywhere I looked there was someone I knew. I always wondered when someone was going to ask do you still live in the home? But funny thing no one ever did. I kept a low profile because when I went back to South Miami the violence started up again. I got a break for a few years and then away it began. I was older but still could not protect myself. I did not go back to the home I was older then. I think I would have but I did not. I stayed with my friend some during those years and then some others. I was older and all. As for dating I did some but was not comfortable with it and well boys did not break my door down. Do I think I am a pretty girl? I never did and do not think so. I am just me, no one ever told me growing up so I never knew that information. I guess I had other things to worry about. I think that is one area that I am very uncomfortable with. I really do not know and while I do not want to sound vain I guess I am not sure of myself in that area. I did overhear some girls one time say I was not. So I just never cared. No one ever asked me out in school so I just thought I was not good enough. Okay what do you expect I do have issues.
People like me do have issues and when it comes to things like emotions we are notorious for being able to turn them off and yes fake them. Yeah like that is a secret! It goes back to survival and learning who to trust and who not to. Emotions are something you learn as a baby and child when you get no nurturing well guess what your emotions get left somewhere to. Wow! I should be a therapist! I know I have them because I have used them. There have been moments when I have fallen in love which I did not think I was capable of doing. But it was rare and I loved every moment of it. And I have had my heart broken which I hated and could not control. I have loved someone so much and when they died it took a part of my sole. That person I wrote about further down, this blog is for him. I cry sometimes because he is no longer here I do not cry for many people. I loved him with every ounce of my being and that pain is so great. My other love was someone that I fell so in love with I scared myself. I never knew you could feel that and never ever having that in my life well, that was like so new. There was one other when I was younger and he is always a part of me. That was a story that was never meant to be and I knew it then. He was someone that I saw and I do not know what. I still do not understand. I make him frustrated I am good at that. He does not see me like everyone else, in fact I am not sure of how he sees me and he means so much to me still. I think I am like a sister who can push his buttons and am very good at it. I like that he reassures me about myself although he does not like to do that.
I know that I have my dorkie moments and can be most insecure at times. I am blunt about most things, have never figured out why people cannot just say what they mean and mean what they say. I watch what people do all the time and wonder if they really understand their actions. I hate that I cannot figure it all out. I do wish I could change things especially right now. Living in the home impacted me in many ways I had a hard time with socializing which I think caused me to fail at something that was very dear to me at the time. I made allot of mistakes in the past that I regret because I did not have the strength that I needed. We did not get counseling to help us understand why we were ripped out of our homes and to deal with the trauma we had lived through. No one ever hugged us there or really gave us any love. We were all ages and were thrust together to survive again without compassion except for pity and I think we all knew that people had that for us. Never got counseling after I left to help me deal with being back in the world and understand my peers. Never got any counseling after witnessing a child die right in front of me nor any compassion. How does a child handle that?
I never let my children near the street when walking they walk away from it. I am terrified of cars going by. Cars still scare me to this day, I have issues with little cars especially. My children know where I lived but I really do not go any detail. They have limited contact with my parents I still have extremely limited contact. I just do not have any love or interest and do not wish to. The only person I will ever need died so he cannot be here for me anymore. My brother writes me but I do not write back. I do not have any interest. These people are not my family they never were there for me except to cause pain and abuse I can forgive them but I do not have to have them in my life. I have built bridges with some of my cousins and some of them I just am on facebook with, while I would love to be closer to them I am not, not sure why, I want family badly and want my children to know family. I have one aunt that I wish I knew better but I think that is just not possible.
My last joy is music. I find that it tells a story and it soothes me. I have only one favorite singer and he is able to reach my innermost emotions. As for which songs I relate to the most well that is going to have to stay in my thoughts not yours.
But the moral of this story and if there is one is this: No one can offer your soul and heart peace but yourself. What your journey has been and where it is going is a gift that you get to take some parts with you and leave some behind. We come into this world without a plan and have to either figure it out or let it control us either way life is not what we want it to be.
amy
I guess I should start out by telling you that the violence in my family was not just directed at one person but at all members it did not matter who you were we all got it. Learning to duck and run for cover or to hide until you were found was pretty much the name of the game. I learned how to cross streets at the age of three which seemed to be the magic number for me. I guess that was the age I seem to remember back to as when the most violence started or maybe that is all I care to remember. I can remember my mother being drunk all day long every day. I have such memories of my father taking my mothers head and slamming it repeatedly into the walls so hard that it left holes in it. He would hit her with his fists over and over. He would go after my brother next but first he would have to get through his bedroom door and then beat him. My brother was so beaten he would not be able to go to school. I would run and hide or head out the door and run across four lane highways to get away. I would run as far as I thought was far enough for a little girl of three and yes three. I remember how little I was because when it first started we lived up in north Fl. By the time we got to Hialeah I was four and I was still running and then we were in Miami and yep still had no fear of running across roads that seemed bigger then me. But then after what I was seeing the cars and trucks I guess were easier to deal with then that. I was given my beatings and I did not get away from the others either I just took them like the others. I learned that no one was going to rescue us even though the police made almost daily visits to our house. I went to school crying, sad and very withdrawn but the teachers never seemed to notice or just turned and looked the other way. They must have figured it out at some point. I know at one school they knew but they just did nothing about it. The bruises were always hidden where you could not see them. But the emotional scars were more obvious they were pretty open and always bleeding. This is the condensed and very edited version of this story. The more graphic and violent parts I left out but if you want just allow your imagination to float freely and then you will have the full version. No holds barred on what you come up with probably happened.
Was I ever saved by anyone during my childhood? no, there was never a teacher that tried to help me, ever at any point or time. I was alone to figure it out and deal with it all. Take it in. I had no one to help me at any time. I could not go to anyone nor did I learn to trust anyone. On top of it there is the other issue that I had a set of parents that basically were as dysfunctional as jello. They were lousy as parents and I had no nurturing at all so as far as being raised I was not. I had to figure out life on my own. I had to learn that life was not some easy road that you get to grow up and have a great family that loves you and protects you. Nope I got the unwritten book, it was blank and I had to write it all beginning at a very young age. For me it was really survival I had no choice. No one was going to protect me I had to protect myself. So I did. I am not saying that I was great at it because I stumbled quite a bit. But I learned how to find my way through this world in ways that most would not have been able to. You have to learn that it is okay to doubt yourself, feel insecure, be different and not be like all the others.
Now for the childrens home. I was living with my grandparents. Not a very healthy environment. Allot of fighting going on. And violence there as well. I was taken on August 10, that day I will never forget. I went there and your first moments in the cottage is like a sizing up. The other kids check you out. You are shown your room, mine was on the side where the kitchen was. My roommates were two girls Johnnie and Jamie. I met them and then I started meeting everyone else. That is all I remember of that day. There were allot of experiences there and I will tell you about some of them. I had allot but there are some that are more momentous then others. Ones that I think gave me something and some that were terrifying to say the least. My house parents were ms. dudley and I do not remember the other. ms. buam came later. Ms. dudley was my favorite, she made the best peach cobbler and for me that is pretty good since I hate peaches. The cottage was pretty big and we had chores to do everyday besides our homework and we had playtime as well. We went to church and had other activities. People used to come and play with us from churches and colleges. I think if you asked me how I felt about that I would have told you I hated it because I did not being treated like I was some poor little child. I wanted to be left alone. These people always made me feel like they were doing me a favor by being there.
I will get one of the two worst moments out of the way since they were pretty bad. The first was one of my Christmases. Everyone was sitting in the living room and the houseparents were handing out all the presents. All the kids were getting lots of gifts. I sat there watching everyone opening their presents and never said a word. Eventually Ms. Dudley looked over at me and asked me if I got anything and I said no. She asked if I was sure and I said yes. They looked around and realized I had not one gift and all the others had theirs. So I just sat there watching everyone. I was not upset really and I do not know why. It really did not bother me. When they were able to ask the office it was discovered that my name had somehow been accidently left off the list. Okay, to this day I have never figured out how that could have happened it wasn't like I was new or anything at that point I had been there over 11/2 years. But they apologized and when I came home from school they had gone out and bought me clothes. I was happy they did that but I did not see that as presents since it was not anything exciting or I wanted. But they tried to make up for me not being on the list and sitting there that day. So yes I truly did not get anything for Christmas one year. I was left off a list, maybe Santa's! Maybe I was the only kid on the naughty list? Either way I learned something that day and that is no one should ever feel that kind of feeling. Do you know what that feels like I bet not. It is the horrible. I would never want anyone to feel that way. Which is why I can never be mean or hateful to someone it is kind of like that. You cannot imagine that kind of pain. Nothing anyone can do to me could make me hate them or want to make them feel the kind of pain. It hurts you to the bottom of your soul. Your heart is broken. For me is was someone's oversight that hurt a child and that child was me. I was a child that had already been so hurt so destroyed by violence that I had already chosen to survive so when it happened I just sat there and dealt with it the best way I knew how. But yes it did hurt. People like me can handle this stuff not many can because they are not equipped with the tools to do it.
Then we have the topper of my great life. My fateful day at the bus stop. I am sitting there waiting for the bus to take me on to high school. I am staring down the street and see this little boy walking down the road. Then a car comes and I see the car go off the road and hit the boy. Of course I think at first no, he hit a box then I see the boys hands hit the roof of the car. As the car is coming towards me I am seeing the boys body on the windshield. The car slammed on the brakes and the boy was thrown off the car and right on the street in front of me. Within ten feet. He was ripped open and I watched him dying. I jumped up and ran towards my cottage. I fell into the door and tried to tell my houseparents what had happened but I was so scared I could not. I had just watched a boy his body so destroyed by a car dying in front of me and that in itself was hard to deal with let alone tell them. I finally was able to motion and I guess tell them. I had to go back out to the scene and I remember the man coming at me and all these police officers jumping on him and me being pulled away. I was a witness the only one that was able to see it all and every gruesome detail. And yes off to school I went. Back then they did not have grief counselors or anyone to talk to you. Yep, I guess I had allot of years to prepare me for this moment because I had again, no one to tell me it was going to be okay. That man was never going to hurt me, find me, come and get me. Yeah those thoughts were going through my mind why would they not. I did not know it at the time but yes I was going to be the one to put someone in prison for a long time and that is allot of weight for a kid. Oddly it was not a parent and again no one protected me. Kind of gotten used to this scenario by now. You learned that no matter what protecting yourself was a full time job. I looked over my shoulder all the time. NO one at church or anywhere never knew how terrified I was everyday that he was going to find me. I never had counseling or any therapy to deal with that accident. Took along time but I did finally take a step in 2010. A odd one I always knew the name of the man that killed that boy and I never forgot it. I contacted him via email. He responded back immediately we were the only two and both of us did the same thing never forgot him in fact everyday, all the time he was right there in our thoughts. You never forget a trauma like that. He asked me what he could do for me and I said just knowing I was not alone that day and that he understood how I felt since no one else ever did and we talked some more. I was able to finally put that boy to rest but he is still in my heart and will always be there. The man who hit him graduated from the University of Miami School of Law and the day he hit that boy he has just pass the law exam and was coming home from a night of partying and well he should have not been behind the wheel. He started practicing law much latter then planned. I still feel he should have been barred for life. You have to forgive people in life for things they do and I had to forgive him, I will say that I had to go deep into my soul to do it because he took another piece of me that day.
Living in a children's home I guess has it happy moments but I do not think we are there because we want to be there and jumped up and down when we arrived. Back in the '70's in was different there. I say it was a orphanage it was not what it is today. We were there and it was a place where as children we learned that adults were people that had intentions that were not always the best. While they appeared to want to do good I do not think they meant it all the time. I saw things that I will never understand and just did not want to. We never talked with each other about why we were there I think it was just that we did not need to we all knew that it was not a good reason so why discuss it. The first few days was like a initiation where the other kids checked you out and once that was over you became part of the group. There were I think 13 of us in the cottage. There were some that were there a long time, foster homes were not like they are today so that was not an option. You had allot of names to learn and rules, oh the rules. You got your chores, met all the other kids learned all kinds of things. It was a world within itself. I would never write a tell all book but that is a funny thing that no one ever has I think we would hunt that person down for telling our secrets and yes we have plenty of them. We are brothers and sisters bound by that eternal bond that no one understands. Bound by the chains of the common stories that brought us there to begin with. Our lives were no cake walk and our stories are all just as scary as the next. Mine is just one of many that could make you happy that you had a great childhood or that your parent just beat you a few times. We are the survivors the ones who back then learned to stand by each other and never let anyone bring us down. At school there were kids who labeled us "home kids" yeah wasn't that a nice thing to be called. The hardest thing for me was that by the time I got to high school I had gone to all the feeder elementary and middle schools that I was either in my violent home or the children's home so yes almost everyone of you have known me during that time in my life.
Actually the only school that I was not was Hialeah High but I was there my first year out of the home and well my social skills were not great. You see you do not socialize very much there. We did not except with each other, that is all we had. We went to school and had friends but we did not just go over to their house. So when I got to Hialeah High it was a whole new world for me. I had no clue about social skills. I never got a book on it. I should have gotten Emily Posts book on Etiquette! But I look back and other then having to still be scared of my shadow and unsure of the world I was suddenly a part of I really liked being at that school. I had some firsts that I would not have changed for anything, met some great people and had one teacher I just really liked. I did not have to explain myself but I think my shyness showed and I think I just wanted to be liked. I was still dealing with the trauma of the accident and the trial was coming up so I was never allowed to talk about it. I had a nice Hialeah Police Officer who made sure I was always safe. We always talked about things he made sure knew that the man was not going to find me. You have to understand that with all the crap I had been through in my life they did not give me counseling but gave me protection, go figure? My police officer was always aware of where I was and what I was doing, but you have to know I was scared every day that the man was going to find me. He knew I lived in the home but how did I know that he knew where I was in Hialeah?
At South Miami High I knew people from two elementary and two middle schools. Everywhere I looked there was someone I knew. I always wondered when someone was going to ask do you still live in the home? But funny thing no one ever did. I kept a low profile because when I went back to South Miami the violence started up again. I got a break for a few years and then away it began. I was older but still could not protect myself. I did not go back to the home I was older then. I think I would have but I did not. I stayed with my friend some during those years and then some others. I was older and all. As for dating I did some but was not comfortable with it and well boys did not break my door down. Do I think I am a pretty girl? I never did and do not think so. I am just me, no one ever told me growing up so I never knew that information. I guess I had other things to worry about. I think that is one area that I am very uncomfortable with. I really do not know and while I do not want to sound vain I guess I am not sure of myself in that area. I did overhear some girls one time say I was not. So I just never cared. No one ever asked me out in school so I just thought I was not good enough. Okay what do you expect I do have issues.
People like me do have issues and when it comes to things like emotions we are notorious for being able to turn them off and yes fake them. Yeah like that is a secret! It goes back to survival and learning who to trust and who not to. Emotions are something you learn as a baby and child when you get no nurturing well guess what your emotions get left somewhere to. Wow! I should be a therapist! I know I have them because I have used them. There have been moments when I have fallen in love which I did not think I was capable of doing. But it was rare and I loved every moment of it. And I have had my heart broken which I hated and could not control. I have loved someone so much and when they died it took a part of my sole. That person I wrote about further down, this blog is for him. I cry sometimes because he is no longer here I do not cry for many people. I loved him with every ounce of my being and that pain is so great. My other love was someone that I fell so in love with I scared myself. I never knew you could feel that and never ever having that in my life well, that was like so new. There was one other when I was younger and he is always a part of me. That was a story that was never meant to be and I knew it then. He was someone that I saw and I do not know what. I still do not understand. I make him frustrated I am good at that. He does not see me like everyone else, in fact I am not sure of how he sees me and he means so much to me still. I think I am like a sister who can push his buttons and am very good at it. I like that he reassures me about myself although he does not like to do that.
I know that I have my dorkie moments and can be most insecure at times. I am blunt about most things, have never figured out why people cannot just say what they mean and mean what they say. I watch what people do all the time and wonder if they really understand their actions. I hate that I cannot figure it all out. I do wish I could change things especially right now. Living in the home impacted me in many ways I had a hard time with socializing which I think caused me to fail at something that was very dear to me at the time. I made allot of mistakes in the past that I regret because I did not have the strength that I needed. We did not get counseling to help us understand why we were ripped out of our homes and to deal with the trauma we had lived through. No one ever hugged us there or really gave us any love. We were all ages and were thrust together to survive again without compassion except for pity and I think we all knew that people had that for us. Never got counseling after I left to help me deal with being back in the world and understand my peers. Never got any counseling after witnessing a child die right in front of me nor any compassion. How does a child handle that?
I never let my children near the street when walking they walk away from it. I am terrified of cars going by. Cars still scare me to this day, I have issues with little cars especially. My children know where I lived but I really do not go any detail. They have limited contact with my parents I still have extremely limited contact. I just do not have any love or interest and do not wish to. The only person I will ever need died so he cannot be here for me anymore. My brother writes me but I do not write back. I do not have any interest. These people are not my family they never were there for me except to cause pain and abuse I can forgive them but I do not have to have them in my life. I have built bridges with some of my cousins and some of them I just am on facebook with, while I would love to be closer to them I am not, not sure why, I want family badly and want my children to know family. I have one aunt that I wish I knew better but I think that is just not possible.
My last joy is music. I find that it tells a story and it soothes me. I have only one favorite singer and he is able to reach my innermost emotions. As for which songs I relate to the most well that is going to have to stay in my thoughts not yours.
But the moral of this story and if there is one is this: No one can offer your soul and heart peace but yourself. What your journey has been and where it is going is a gift that you get to take some parts with you and leave some behind. We come into this world without a plan and have to either figure it out or let it control us either way life is not what we want it to be.
amy
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