The Journey into 2013

The journey keeps us moving but not always in the direction that we expect it to go.  Over the course of this year I have lost some great people and lost some others that I thought were great as well.  I learned that we have to enjoy this road as we travel it with hopes that no matter which way we go there will be good things ahead.  And yet while we get to begin this New Year with a reflection of the old and what we may have done differently the path has been laid.

Losing family members this year was sad and heartbreaking.  It seems that you really cannot stop time or slow it down but you just have to be glad you get up every morning and be the best person you can be.  Each day brings us one step closer to the end of our journey and yet we never know when that will be.  Funny how that does not stop us from some of the things we do.  

Friends, wow I could write a book on this subject but they are apart of the journey and while it is good to have them sometimes you learn some cruel lessons from them.  On another side you also find that their loyalty is something that can be fickle which always surprises me.  But as I said I could write a book on that it would be more of a lessons learned book.  But friends can be the greatest asset on your path.  They are there to make it easier when it does not seem to be.  My lessons from this year that I am taking onto the next year are ones that deal with how I will choose my friends to continue on my journey.  And what did I learn that affected this path was the mere fact that not all friends are what they seem.  

I have to say I did make some great new people this year that I am glad to have met.  They are people from long ago that I knew and now have begun talking to again.  Not all those that I have left on past paths are back just some that I feel comfortable talking with.  

Please read

Once again I caution you the reader never to read anything into what I write as I do not myself read anything into what those ten fingers attached to my two hands write. My thoughts are formulated and then I write what comes out is what you get. Odd as it may seem I really do not know anything about writing and I think most of it is just ramblings of my mind.

Now that I have once again for the I do not know how many times stated that I will write again about absolutely nothing that will make you any more knowledgeable then what you already are. While I may find the spilling out of my stories on this blog interesting you are only here to look because it is on my facebook page. Which I thank you for taking the time to come on over here to read. I do remove stuff from time to time to put the other writings back in. Some of them are sad and more about me then this later stuff. I do not want to bore you with that. Unless you really want to be bored and if that were the case well there are other things more interesting. Once in a while I have a soapbox I get on when something ticks me off.

As for my back pain since I have not been droning on about it on facebook it seems that the next couple of weeks are full of tests. Yep, I get to go have another mri this time on my upper back but I do get sleep during it. I can only take so much tapping and knocking. Then a nerve test, I could tell them I have nerves I do have three children and they have proven that I do have nerves. Had that one before not looking forward to it. I did have really high blood pressure today and got to explain that yes while I am in pain I just am not wimpy enough to show you how much.. at least until the assistant had me do all the movement tests then those tears were dragged out of my ducts with force that I could not hold back. But blood pressure does not lie when you are in pain. I take never let them see you cry to heart and as a sign of defeat to which I will never never allow happen. I enjoy a good game of football with the boys too much.

love is sometimes sad

For you my friend I will find you to be the fascination of my fancy forever. You will be the one person that I will never get to hold your hand, take walks with you on the sand or just enjoy life with again. Our time has been lost to the years gone by. Taken from our moments without ever knowing if there was something else. Without ever getting that opportunity to find out more. Once we had time long ago. We were able to be a part of this place together and enjoy our days once. Finding comfort within each other. Knowing the other was going to be there or at least thinking so.

Being apart is a heavy heartful way to be. Souls that cannot seem to find the path to each other but yet find the crossings everytime. Thinking of your face brings back the love in your eyes. the kindness that you have. The warmth of your hands along with your eyes. Always endearing to see and a delight to have near. Whenever we had our times together they were the fondest of memories. These were the ones I cherish, the ones that no one can take away. You sould is apart of my heart and will always be there for you.

Have I seen you since? I do not know but there are times that I think yes. A quick glance in a room once is all I got and it could have been you. You saw me as well, we both had a look on our faces that was shock but if it was a recognized face then you were probably just as momentarily taken back as I was. To a moment in time, a place that was perfect if only for a short second but it was ours and no one elses.

Peace

Peace is a place that you find yourself at when you want to ignore the world and its harsh realities. Sometimes it is just a matter of allowing your mind to drift off and think about other places your would rather be, places that bring you calmness and tranquility. Something we do not always get in this world. You can find peace in almost any situation that you seem to think you cannot it is there just look within your self and it will be there.

My First Day

Well here you have it the long awaited version of my world and the days that go with it. The title was meaningful to me because I can write about my first day here on this new adventure. The door to this opened with the help of a very kind soul who found that I had the ability to write and encouraged me to do so. For this I thank you.

Today we ponder what is going to happen next and what that path will bring. As we learn about all the things that are out there and the happenings in this place it brings many thoughts about how we are to cope with the vast changes that are taking place. We go through the day and open doors that change our course every second. What would it be like to be able to close those doors and open another one to peak inside and see if we like that one better. Although we do not have the ability to do this it would be great wouldn't it. Can you imagine what we could do if given this opportunity. But would that make us a better person or help us make the choices we make. Or will it allow us to become over confident in our choices. If we open the door and go in we are unable to turn around and go back. We have to continue on a path that could lead to our own demise or the opening of another door. Taking chances is a daily thing we really do this all the time but do not think about it until we realize that sometimes we should have not taken the door we did. The sad thing about this is that others do not always allow us the opportunity to have regrets without some sort of consequence. We seem to enjoy others tragedies and thrive on them instead of learning to forgive and move on to another door. No one asked us to choose the door we opened we just did and the other person opened a door also and now the doors are standing open without closing. But in order to close that door the lesson has to be learned. There are always lessons from the moment we need to learn. But do we always get that lesson right away, no. Sometimes we have to go through pain and misery at the expense of someone else then have those previous regrets and then possibly close the door.

So when you open a door make sure you know that you will learn a lesson and it may not be today that you know what it is but know that some day you will. For it is the promises from our past that gave us the outlook for today.

if you broke my heart would you pick up the pieces?

I guess the time has come to talk about broken hearts and what happens to them. I have had some of these not many but enough to write a little bit about them. So I will, although you might find that I am not the expert on a heart that breaks mainly because I tended to get more cautious as the next boy came along. I think I am a one boy for me girl and never really thought about it until recently. Do we really have that high school sweetheart and is it really possible that they can come back after all these years and you find those feelings like the first time or is it all in your head Are your feelings based on what you felt then since allot of time has gone by and by now allot of water has gone under the bridge and well it is certainly not way back when. I mean you both have allot of baggage behind you know.



So let's start with my first crush, love, he's the one and all those other fancy statements that we use to protray our emotions as teenagers in love. It was drama and I was new in the school, very shy, mousy type, non social, no boy in his right mind would look at me type and he came into the room I do not know what happened but he was the boy for me. I was totally taken by him, don't ask me why he was the one, could not tell you to save my mortal soul, yep a song lyric, happens on occasion. But there he was and I felt funny feelings that I had never felt before either that or I was hungry but either way he was it. I found out his name and that he was a senior, well that was it he would not give me the time of day I was a lonely mousy sophmore and even though we were both in drama my chances of him noticing me were zero to none.



Well, as we move on through the story which most of it is no longer a part of my memory age has taken that I do remember we had a play and I was working on it. I was in the dressing room and he came and gave me my first kiss, yep my very first kiss, never been kissed by a boy in my entire life made it to the age of 15 before being kissed. Today that would never happen. I did not know what to do and really how to kiss. I think he was unsure of how I handled it as well. Hey, when you are in high school I guess you are supposed to be a pro at this stuff. Sadly I did not get that handbook page when I was registared. I can't say how it went from there but we never really went any further I think he was not in the frame of mind to teach a 15 year old the ettiquette of kissing and all the other stuff. So he was done with me but I was still head over heels for him for the entire year and probably for a long time afterwards. He was of course my first real love, my first kiss, gave me a lecture about something pertaining to letting go and not being afraid of the world I of course would listen to him if he said the sky was green and white with dots. I saw him at some parties but he never gave me a second look. I was not in his circle and he was into things I was not ready for. I was rather young and nieve about the goings on at parties but my heart still wanted him to notice me. Funny how your heart rules your emotions regardless of how your mind tells it NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO, but apparantly a body part with no thought process can be more assertive then the brain. I hear there are other parts that can be this way too. And yes I know what they are. But this is my story and I choose not to write in that. This is a sappy story meant to invoke crying and emotions of sorrow and heartfelt love and a side of laughter.



Well, he graduated, I moved and my life as well as his moved on. I never looked back at this point I was on to another high school, for me this was a constant process, at least I got a chance to reinvent myself at each one and become more of a person of substance: yeah right. I just wanted to have friends and get through school. At this school I never found my prince charming that would sweep me off my feet but I did have a boyfriend. He was very sweet and kind but not the boy that was the one to break my heart for the second time. Oh, by the way the first boy up there did break my heart don't know how we never dated or anything, he was my first "he's the one" and I never felt that way and there is another part to that story years later. Now getting back to this boy. We dated and had a great friendship, I guess love was there but not the head over heels heart pounding, flutters when he walks into the room love. I think that only happens once in a while and for me that has been once so far. Well, I stayed at this school never really dated allot was not into that scene just never got into that. But I had friends and did stuff with them. My senior year I did have another boyfriend he was not at the school, he was older then me, but that was okay. We did allot of things together and we had a love for each other but still no head over heels heart pounding kiss me and I float love nope did not happen this time either. I was loseing in this love thing was not finding another boy to give me that feeling again. I graduated, eventually broke up with that boy and moved out to live in a apartment by myself.



Now I moved out when I graduated from high school I was of legal age and almost nineteen, August would be the big day and I would also be legal to drink, yep the grandfather clause made me legal at 19 and my dear friends legal at 21. I grew up allot during these years I had to be responsible for me and take care of myself. I was more then happy to do it. Still no prince charming and I was not really looking either. Did go places in groups.

I did meet prince charming in 1986 and he would be the next heart breaker at least this time we did date, amazing a feat that did not happen the first time. Maybe if I was not in my shell and was more aggressive I could have dated the first boy but hey I guess there was a reason. Well this boy was the one that pursued me and that he did. I was not going around looking for a boyfriend I was just happy being me and being with my friends. I met him through my friends at the Miami Film Festival where I volunteered. He noticed me first and then I ended up working with him. This was my fairy tale! The one true everyone should have one fairy tale and of course you know every fairy tale never has the happy ending they just end. This was a wonderful romance was with all the adoration and emotions roled into it. We did everything together and yet it was also a very innocent fairy tale, somewhat pg and that was okay. For me just being near him made me happy he was someone that I could be me and that was okay. Now I could go into all the mushy stuff but that would be another blog and we are not here to talk about that we are here about broken hearts and here it comes. Yep, he broke my heart, ripped it out, stomped on it, crushed it, tore it to pieces, well not really but you get the point. We went out had a nice time and then it came the sad news that I was not going to be accepted by his parents because I was not his religion. He cried but I did not. My pain was so great that I could not cry, I could not do anything and I was so emotionally drained that it really felt like I had nothing left. He asked me 1question why was I not crying and I never answered him because I could not, I was so devastated that words could not ever come close to what I felt. Pain is all I could think of and it is all I had left I never felt so much pain and if that was what the breaking of my heart felt like then maybe it was a good thing boy number one was a calmer situation for my heart. Can you imagine if I had to go through that twice, maybe boy one was the warm up heart breaker for boy two. Either way both boys broke my heart. It took along time to get over boy two. I moved three states away to get away from him it was all I could do to stop my heart from feeling so much pain. Never thought about boy one, of course I do remember looking up boy one and he was in Tennessee, had a girlfriend so I decided not to contact him. Funny how he came to mind again. do not know when that was and it would be interesting if it was around 1986.

Now at some point boy number one did come back into the picture and we did see each other again just for a brief period and then it was done. I think I was so unsure of he and I that I did not know what to do and whether I was just a momentary thing so I never looked back. The feelings with him were still there which probably scared me as well, since the age old question of first loves and all were running around. I think back and wonder if I was just have the first love pangs and knew that he did not have that same feeling so it was not for him what it was for me feelings. Most likely yes. Apparantly, the broken hearts have made the heart wiser and more careful then before.

Now exactly how long does it take for the heart to heal or does it ever. We are so ready to give it away and then when it comes back damaged we just put it back in and feel all its pain. We get really sad and feel like the world is going to end. We have all moved on, some of us are married and have children others are not. Either way having contact with either one seems to walk me down memory lane and think about them. So I guess that your first loves or crushes or what ever you want to call them do require closure and until you get that the heart waits for it to be put back together and the only one that can do that is the person that broke it in the first place. Maybe that explains why when we see the one who broke our heart our heart remembers the pangs and heartache because it wants to heal and the only way that can happen is if that person is the one to pick it up after all these years. That is also why our first loves are in our teenage years and not later because when we mature and get older and run into these first loves again we are older and wiser and willing to talk about it lightheartedly and heal faster.

just a thought.

friendship does it really last

My best friend has been a part of my life for many years we have gone through allot together and will most likely continue on this path. But friends need a lot of tlc and maintenace in order to survive and grow. Yep they grow if nurtured properly in order to last a lifetime this is a must. You cannot expect to keep a friend if you do not follow the simple instructions. It is like baking you have to follow the instructions precisely or it does not work. The chemicals must be mixed to the right formula in order to start the process. Friends have this to they have to be handled carefully and nurtured so that the delicate balance can continue. You have to alwasy know what to say and when to say it. There are rules to this friendship system and no they are not written down or they might be but who is really going to sit and read them anyway, i am not.

Anyhow, friends come in different varieties with all kinds of styles, shapes, attitudes, personalities you name it. Selecting a friend is a task you have to have lots of interviews and trial periods to see if this is the right friend for you. Now they may think they are the right friend and you want to run for the hills and that is okay but they do not have to be your best buddy that is a special honor for someone. But never blow off a friend because they are not what you want right now be friends they could be your friend later, that does not mean lie to them, only if you really cannot stand them do you end the potential friendship. After the interview and trial period you may have some new friends to add to your group. You can have more friends there is no quota on this that I know of.

After the honeymoon phase of friendship is over you begin the true friendship where you find out about their loyaltys and their opinions on things remember they are allowed to have opinions and the do not have to be the same as yours. If you wanted a robot to be a friend then you should have bought one and not wasted this persons times. Now the friendship I have has lasted more then half my life and seems to be going rather well. As long as she is healthy and I stay that way too. We both have medical issues and while mine is less complicated hers is scarier and worries me and her family all the time. We met in junior high, that is what they called it back in the day I think dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Just kidding but it was a while back. We began our friendship in seventh grade and it went from being hellos to really good friends to our children are cousins kind of friends. We have been through some tough times, sad ones and great ones. We have losts loved ones, had traumas, joyous moments, tears of happiness, relief and lots of love. Our children have grown up together and we have really been a great group.

Now here is a secret to our friendship. We took the old never go to bed angry and we never stay angry, our line is I am upset and this is why. We give the other one the opportunity to apologize why you ask, well because what happens if i did something and did not know it, well how can I say I am truly sorry if I do not know. It is not fair to me so we are honest about this.