questions to answer

Dear Reader,

To give you a little background on this writing. I wrote this at 3 am and it took about ten minutes to write. I think I was truly asleep when I put it down but it is my first writing in about ten years. Enjoy......


As I sit starring at this blank sheet of paper I wonder what is going on out in the world right this very minute. When we go to sleep a whole other place wakes up and begins. Did you ever wonder what is happening or if it will somehow effect what we do or whether we will ever know. Answers don’t often come the way we want them too and they sometimes take awhile to get to us. We expect to be given the solution when a question is asked but in some things the answer only adds to the already confusing or complexity of the answers to which we seek. When we search for answers what are we really looking for and do we know when we find it. Questions are what we need to ask in order to continue learning. It seems so odd that something so simple could create a entire chain of events. A chain that cannot be changed except by asking more questions and using those answers to continue.
We live in a world that gives us experiences on a daily and momentary basis yet we don’t take the time to learn from these experiences. Doesn’t our need to understand and express ourselves teach us that we need to ask in order to go on. When we get the wrong answer do we keep searching until we get the one we want which may not be the right one anyhow. But yet we do and finding our way is how we use all those answers that we don’t like to begin with. Knowledge builds on our desire to know something.
But what happens when we take the time out to sleep. A place opens up its time here and begins to ask and seek. Then the cycle repeats itself and are those same questions asked again. Wouldn’t it be great if someone took the time to open a journal and write all those things down. But we do and they are the books and the internet. Yet we still have questions to ponder and answers to decide if we want them or not.
When we open our minds up to fill the brain with the answers that we get we should take a moment to let it wander and wonder. Our day gives us so much but we just file the answers and move on instead of looking at the reason that we needed them. Does that mean we are full of useless knowledge waiting to be used one day to clear up a lapse in judgement. Which we all have and find that a lapse can be a experience that leaves others asking why and then that whole question thing starts up again.
So, now I leave you with a question that I ponder sitting here. What exactly is happening somewhere else right now and will I hear or read about it later in order to answer my question?

does your soul really have eyes?

As i ponder this i am moved by the way we talk about our bodies and use our soul as a way to express the depth of pain, comfort and joy among many others.

My soul was deeply hurt one day many years ago and it has never recovered. It has a empty void that was created by a broken heart, yes another body part that seems to have unusual capabilities. I do not think i will ever move past this time and deep down into my soul there it sits with other soul items. But this is one that will never heal and i guess that is the way it is.

If you looked into my soul you would see the moments that have mostly given me pain. We look at our selves as thought provoking humans but it seems that we are full of complexities that most people cannot imagine nor do they even try. We have souls that leave us in pain and joy but only when we are in pain does our soul really hurt. But what happens when our souls move on do they take all this power or does it just leave.

I will always have a love that will be in my soul and cannot be taken, we all have them but are always afraid to talk about them, this does not make us bad persons or not capable of loving others but there is always one. I guess if I actally had closure i would not be carrying such a deep pain but maybe that is why i have deep pain because i never had this opportunity to close that chapter, and do we really have chapters? are we books?

The soul is a dark and lonely place that carries all of our hearts and minds moments, it does not get to give any opinions or object to what it is given but it is allowed to be a part of us. we move about with memories that guide us through our lives and at times do not get the closure that we so want. our hearts break and we store the pain away with all the others hoping that it never happens again and then we feel safe if only for a moment of time but then something triggers that soul to bring to the front the memory that was on the edge and never really went away. We search for an answer and attempt to bring closure within ourselves but we never truly can because that is not how it works in life. People say that the soul has eyes but does it and what does it see? I do not think that the soul has eyes for if it did we would be windows of many different colors and not all of them would be good. I would hope that the painful things would show the loudest and that we would be given the chance to deal with the souls pain and its complicated emotions. but as humans we are always on guard and never work them out or do we attempt to put them at rest so that we can move on and find new things to add to our souls. I really hope that my one painful moment is never confronted because i donot know how i would react nor what i would say. but i guess for my souls sake i would want that moment to happen. when this person broke my heart it was done so painfully that my soul still grieves.

now if our souls had eyes everyone could see inside of us and know our individualized pasts. we would all be afraid that someone would see themselves in our reflections and bleed. we are so guarded by our emotions that we never let them out and keep them locked away for fear of anger or retaliation.. I cannot help what my soul feels and gives me, but we would be penalized for past pains taht we have no more control of nor could our soul see into the future in order not to make a change in direction that would leave us without pain in our soul.

G-d gives us pain and all other emotions I think to help us understand the complexity of the human mind. we have the capacity to change things with our prior experience but it does not always seem to go with what we expect will happen.

The Story Of Me

I was asked to write about my story and what it was like growing up in a children's home.  First I have to go back to the why part which is not pretty and while it is not the story of the perfect childhood it is the one I know.  I should note that I only spent a few years there because in my case it was hidden rather well for years.  My story is one of many and while I am where I am today and think that it is the strength of my being that I am able to be me.

I guess I should start out by telling you that the violence in my family was not just directed at one person but at all members it did not matter who you were we all got it. Learning to duck and run for cover or to hide until you were found was pretty much the name of the game.  I learned how to cross streets at the age of three which seemed to be the magic number for me. I guess that was the age I seem to remember back to as when the most violence started or maybe that is all I care to remember.  I can  remember my mother being drunk all day long every day.  I have such memories of my father taking my mothers head and slamming it repeatedly into the walls so hard that it left holes in it.  He would hit her with his fists over and over.   He would go after my brother next but first he would have to get through his bedroom door and then beat him.  My brother was so beaten he would not be able to go to school.  I would run and hide or head out the door and run across four lane highways to get away. I would run as far as I thought was  far enough for  a little girl of three and yes three.  I remember how little I was because when it first started we lived up in north Fl. By the time we got to Hialeah I was four and I was still running and then we were in Miami and yep still had no fear of running across roads that seemed bigger then me.  But then after what I was seeing the cars and trucks I guess were easier to deal with then that.    I was given my beatings and I did not get away from the others either I just took them like the others.  I learned that no one was going to rescue us even though the police made almost daily visits to our house.  I went to school crying, sad and very withdrawn but the teachers never seemed to notice or just turned and looked the other way. They must have figured it out at some point. I know at one school they knew but they just did nothing about it. The bruises were always hidden where you could not see them.  But the emotional scars were more obvious they were pretty open and always bleeding.  This is the condensed and very edited version of this story.  The more graphic and violent parts I left out but if you want just allow your imagination to float freely and then you will have the full version. No holds barred on what you come up with probably happened.

Was I  ever saved by anyone during my childhood? no, there was never a teacher that tried to help me, ever at any point or time.  I was alone to figure it out and deal with it all.  Take it in. I had no one to help me at any time.  I could not go to anyone nor did I learn to trust anyone.  On top of it there is the other issue that I had a set of parents that basically were as dysfunctional as jello.  They were lousy as parents and I had no nurturing at all so as far as being raised I was not. I had to figure out life on my own.  I had to learn that life was not some easy road that you get to grow up and have a great family that loves you and protects you. Nope I got the unwritten book, it was blank and I had to write it all beginning at a very young age. For me it was really survival I had no choice. No one was going to protect me I had to protect myself.  So I did.  I am not saying that I was great at it because I stumbled quite a bit.  But I learned how to find my way through this world in ways that most would not have been able to.  You have to learn that it is okay to doubt yourself, feel insecure, be different and not be like all the others.

Now for the childrens home.  I was living with my grandparents. Not a very healthy environment.  Allot of fighting going on. And violence there as well. I was taken on August 10, that day I will never forget.  I went there and your first moments in the cottage is like a sizing up.  The other kids check you out.  You are shown your room, mine was on the side where the kitchen was. My roommates were two girls Johnnie and Jamie.  I met them and then I started meeting everyone else.  That is all I remember of that day.  There were allot of experiences there and I will tell you about some of them.  I had allot but there are some that are more momentous then others.  Ones that I think gave me something and some that were terrifying to say the least.  My house parents were ms. dudley and I do not remember the other.  ms. buam came later.  Ms. dudley was my favorite, she made the best peach cobbler and for me that is pretty good since I hate peaches.  The cottage was pretty big and we had chores to do everyday besides our homework and we had playtime as well.  We went to church and had other activities.  People used to come and play with us from churches and colleges.  I think if you asked me how I felt about that I would have told you I hated it because I did not being treated like I was some poor little child. I wanted to be left alone.  These people always made me feel like they were doing me a favor by being there.

I will get one of the two worst moments out of the way since they were pretty bad.  The first was one of my Christmases.  Everyone was sitting in the living room and the houseparents were handing out all the presents.  All the kids were getting lots of gifts. I sat there watching everyone opening their presents and never said a word.  Eventually Ms. Dudley looked over at me and asked me if I got anything and I said no.  She asked if I was sure and I said yes.  They looked around and realized I had not one gift and all the others had theirs.  So I just sat there watching everyone.  I was not upset really and I do not know why. It really did not bother me.  When they were able to ask the office it was discovered that my name had somehow been accidently left off the list.  Okay, to this day I have never figured out how that could have happened it wasn't like I was new or anything at that point I had been there over 11/2 years.  But they apologized and when I came home from school they had gone out and bought me clothes. I was happy they did that but I did not see that as presents since it was not anything exciting or I wanted.  But they tried to make up for me not being on the list and sitting there that day.  So yes I truly did not get anything for Christmas one year.  I was left off a list, maybe Santa's!  Maybe I was the only kid on the naughty list?  Either way I learned something that day and that is no one should ever feel that kind of feeling. Do you know what that feels like I bet not.  It is the horrible.  I would never want anyone to feel that way.  Which is why I can never be mean or hateful to someone it is kind of like that.  You cannot imagine that kind of pain. Nothing anyone can do to me could make me hate them or want to make them feel the kind of pain.  It hurts you to the bottom of your soul. Your heart is broken.  For me is was someone's oversight that hurt a child and that child was me.  I was a child that had already been so hurt so destroyed by violence that I had already chosen to survive so when it happened I just sat there and dealt with it the best way I knew how.  But yes it did hurt.  People like me can handle this stuff not many can because they are not equipped with the tools to do it.

Then we have the topper of my great life.  My fateful day at the bus stop.  I am sitting there waiting for the bus to take me on to high school.  I am staring down the street and see this little boy walking down the road.  Then a car comes and I see the car go off the road and hit the boy. Of course I think at first no, he hit a box then I see the boys hands hit the roof of the car.  As the car is coming towards me I am seeing the boys body on the windshield.  The car slammed on the brakes and the boy was thrown off the car and right on the street in front of me.  Within ten feet.  He was ripped open and I watched him dying. I jumped up and ran towards my cottage. I fell into the door and tried to tell my houseparents what had happened but I was so scared I could not.  I had just watched a boy his body so destroyed by a car dying in front of me and that in itself was hard to deal with let alone tell them.  I finally was able to motion and I guess tell them. I had to go back  out to the scene and I remember the man coming at me and all these police officers jumping on him and me being pulled away.  I was a witness the only one that was able to see it all and every gruesome detail.  And yes off to school I went.  Back then they did not have grief counselors or anyone to talk to you.  Yep, I guess I had allot of years to prepare me for this moment because I had again, no one to tell me it was going to be okay. That man was never going to hurt me, find me, come and get me. Yeah those thoughts were going through my mind why would they not. I did not know it at the time but yes I was going to be the one to put someone in prison for a long time and that is allot of weight for  a kid.  Oddly it was not a parent and again no one protected me.  Kind of gotten used to this scenario by now.  You learned that no matter what protecting yourself was a full time job.  I looked over my shoulder all the time. NO one at church or anywhere never knew how terrified I was everyday that he was going to find me.  I never had counseling or any therapy to deal with that accident.  Took along time but I did finally take a step in 2010.  A odd one I always knew the name of the man that killed that boy and I never forgot it.  I contacted him via email.  He responded back immediately we were the only two and both of us did the same thing never forgot him in fact everyday, all the time he was right there in our thoughts.  You never forget a trauma like that.  He asked me what he could do for me and I said just knowing I was not alone that day and that he understood how I felt since no one else ever did and we talked some more.  I was able to finally put that boy to rest but he is still in my heart and will always be there.  The man who hit him graduated from the University of Miami School of Law and the day he hit that boy he has just pass the law exam and was coming home from a night of partying and well he should have not been behind the wheel.  He started practicing law  much latter then planned.  I still feel he should have been barred for life.  You have to forgive people in life for things they do and I had to forgive him, I will say that I had to go deep into my soul to do it because he took another piece of me that day.

Living in a children's home I guess has it happy moments but I do not think we are there because we want to be there and jumped up and down when we arrived.  Back in the '70's in was different there.  I say it was a orphanage it was not what it is today.  We were there and it was a place where as children we learned that adults were people that had intentions that were not always the best.  While they appeared to want to do good I do not think they meant it all the time.  I saw things that I will never understand and just did not want to.  We never talked with each other about why we were there I think it was just that we did not need to we all knew that it was not a good reason so why discuss it.  The first few days was like a initiation where the other kids checked you out and once that was over you became part of the group.  There were I think 13 of us in the cottage.  There were some that were there a long time, foster homes were not like they are today so that was not an option.  You had allot of names to learn and rules, oh the rules. You got your chores, met all the other kids learned all kinds of things.  It was a world within itself.  I would never write a tell all book but that is a funny thing that no one ever has I think we would hunt that person down for telling our secrets and yes we have plenty of them. We are brothers and sisters bound by that eternal bond that no one understands. Bound by the chains of the common stories that brought us there to begin with.  Our lives were no cake walk and our stories are all just as scary as the next. Mine is just one of many that could make you happy that you had a great childhood or that your parent just beat you a few times.  We are the survivors the ones who back then learned to stand by each other and never let anyone bring us down.  At school there were kids who labeled us "home kids" yeah wasn't that a nice thing to be called. The hardest thing for me was that by the time I got to high school I had gone to all the feeder elementary and middle schools that I was either in my violent home or the children's home so yes  almost everyone of you have known me during that time in my life.

 Actually the only school that I was not was Hialeah High but I was there my first year out of the home and well my social skills were not great.  You see you do not socialize very much there. We did not except with each other, that is all we had.  We went to school and had friends but we did not just go over to their house. So when I got to Hialeah High it was a whole new world for me. I had no clue about social skills. I never got a book on it. I should have gotten Emily Posts book on Etiquette!  But I look back and other then having to still be scared of my shadow and unsure of the world I was suddenly a part of I really liked being at that school.  I had some firsts that I would not have changed for anything, met some great people and had one teacher I just really liked.  I did not have to explain myself but I think my shyness showed and I think I just wanted to be liked.  I was still dealing with the trauma of the accident and the trial was coming up so I was never allowed to talk about it. I had a nice Hialeah Police Officer who made sure I was always safe.  We always talked about things he made sure knew that the man was not going to find me.  You have to understand that with all the crap I had been through in my life they did not give me counseling but gave me protection, go figure?  My police officer was always aware of where I was and what I was doing,  but you have to know I was scared every day that the man was going to find me. He knew I lived in the home but how did I know that he knew where I was in Hialeah?

At South Miami High I knew people from two elementary and two middle schools.  Everywhere I looked there was someone I knew.  I always wondered when someone was going to ask do you still live in the home?  But funny thing no one ever did. I kept a low profile because when I went back to South Miami the violence started up again. I got a break for a few years and then away it began.  I was older but still could not protect myself. I did not go back to the home I was older then.  I think I would have but I did not.  I stayed with my friend some during those years and then some others.  I was older and all.    As for dating I did some but was not comfortable with it and well boys did not break my door down.   Do I think I am a pretty girl? I never did and do not think so. I am just me, no one ever told me growing up so I never knew that information.  I guess I had other things to worry about.  I think that is one area that I am very uncomfortable with.  I really do not know and while I do not want to sound vain I guess I am not sure of myself in that area. I did overhear some girls one time say I was not.  So I just never cared. No one ever asked me out in school so I just thought I was not good enough.  Okay what do you expect I do have issues.

 People like me do have issues and when it comes to things like emotions we are notorious for being able to turn them off and yes fake them.  Yeah like that is a secret!  It goes back to survival and learning who to trust and who not to.  Emotions are something you learn as a baby and child when you get no nurturing well guess what your emotions get left somewhere to.  Wow! I should be a therapist!  I know I have them because I have used them.  There have been moments when I have fallen in love which I did not think I was capable of doing. But it was rare and I loved every moment  of it.  And I have had my heart broken which I hated and could not control.  I have loved someone so much and when they died it took a part of my sole.  That person I wrote about further down, this blog is for him.  I cry sometimes because he is no longer here I do not cry for many people.  I loved him with every ounce of my being and that pain is so great.  My other love was someone that I fell so in love with I scared myself.  I never knew you could feel that and never ever having that in my life well, that was like so new.  There was one other when I was younger and he is always a part of me.  That was a story that was never meant to be and I knew it then.  He was someone that I saw and I do not know what.  I still do not understand.  I make him frustrated I am good at that. He does not see me like everyone else, in fact I am not sure of how he sees me and he means so much to me still.  I think I am like a sister who can push his buttons and am very good at it.  I like that he reassures me about myself although he does not like to do that.

  I know that I have my dorkie moments and can be most insecure at times.  I am blunt about most things, have never figured out why people cannot just say what they mean and mean what they say.   I watch what people do all the time and wonder if they really understand their actions.  I hate that I cannot figure it all out.  I do wish I could change things especially right now.   Living in the home impacted me in many ways I had a hard time with socializing which I think caused me to fail at something that was very dear to me at the time.  I made allot of mistakes in the past that I regret because I did not have the strength that I needed.  We did not get counseling to help us understand why we were ripped out of our homes and to deal with the trauma we had lived through. No one ever hugged us there or really gave us any love.  We were all ages and were thrust together to survive again without compassion except for pity and I think we all knew that people had that for us.  Never got counseling after I left to help me deal with being back in the world and understand my peers.  Never got any counseling after witnessing a child die right in front of me nor any compassion.  How does a child handle that?

I never let my children near the street when walking they walk away from it.  I am terrified of cars going by.  Cars still scare me to this day, I have issues with little cars especially.  My children know where I lived but I really do not go any detail.  They have limited contact with my parents I still have extremely limited contact. I just do not have any love or interest and do not wish to.  The only person I will ever need died so he cannot be here for me anymore.  My brother writes me but I do not write back.  I do not have any interest. These people are not my family they never were there for me except to cause pain and abuse I can forgive them but I do not have to have them in my life.  I have built bridges with some of my cousins and some of them I just am on facebook with, while I would love to be closer to them I am not, not sure why, I want family badly and want my children to know family.  I have one aunt that I wish I knew better but I think that is just not possible.

My last joy is music.  I find that it tells a story and it soothes me.  I have only one favorite singer and he is able to reach my innermost emotions.  As for which songs I relate to the most well that is going to have to stay in my thoughts not yours.

But the moral of this story and if there is one is this: No one can offer your soul and heart peace but yourself.  What your journey has been and where it is going is a gift that you get to take some parts with you and leave some behind.  We come into this world without a plan and have to either figure it out or let it control us either way life is not what we want it to be.
amy

family, god, love and well it is not what you think!

We all have doubts about one thing or another.  Some of us ponder the question of whether god truly does exist.  I wonder that sometimes myself right now more then in the past.  Why do I?  Well if he did then why did he give me a life with no family to begin with.  I have no one aside from my children, no parents, aunts, uncles no family, except for cousins and I am just an obligation to them at Thanksgiving otherwise I do not exist.  I never did matter to anyone growing up it was me against this world.   I have no capacity to really understand what a family entails or what it means to be in one.  While my children are my family we are close but I have nothing to offer them on my side.  I have no one to go too when I need help or love.  Yep love, I never got that.  I was able to give it but very selectively and not always.  It takes allot for me to trust that I can do this and I have this ability to push away rather then let someone get close.  When someone sez to trust them, that takes allot of my soul to do that and I am so afraid to trust them that it hurts me to a point of fear.  Fear that they will eventually leave and break that trust.  Trust is such  a delicate word that it should never be used unless you really mean it and believe that what you say is that you want a person to know that they will not hurt you.

I open my soul to some but not everyone.  I have loved so deeply in my life that my soul has been left with a missing part of it.  One that I may never get back, you give away your heart but a part of your soul leaves to.  I think the saddest part about love is not measuring up to it.  Never understanding that it is just a word but a very intense one.  You can have all kinds of love but the love that is for family I will never get to know or have so while I feel so much pain for not having this I guess for some reason god decided that was the way it was.  Not sure what I am supposed to learn from that since everyone seems to think there are lessons in everything.

You don't have to understand that there are many kinds of love out there to know that each one is special.  We don't all get to have each one in our lives but you would think we would all get a family.  We all don't get real love or someone to truly love us.  Yeah we go through many relationships to try and find someone. Does not always work out the way we expect or hope.  Nothing ever does.  We model those persons we find after someone usually a parent.  Sometimes we don't find that person so there goes that eternal quest.  I guess some of us are lucky not to have parents in some instances.

So now I have found that if god wanted me to be lonely then he certainly has done his job.  Because I have no family except for cousins.  I have my friends and some people that I trust with every part of my being and that list is very small.  So I am not convinced that we are meant to find love or give love or even understand why some get a family and others don't, why some of us get to be alone and others get to be loved and happy,  why some of us can see what is right in front of us and others are blind to it, why the heart is so guarded and the mind is so demanding, why it can't be and understand that sometimes it is the journey and not always the rule,  why throwing out the instruction manuel is easier when you just need to see what is in front of you to understand,  why giving up is always an option but hope is always better.

amy

Writing....

The beauty of being able to write on here is that here it is for all to see and yet some of this is from somewhere so deep inside of me that I cannot even tell you where it comes from.  So I guess I just write so that my heart and soul gets to tell a story that it wants to tell.  Sometimes I am not quite sure where it comes from but it does.  I have written to someone and I have written to no one.  I have written things that are so much a part of myself that when I am done it takes my breath away.

 The pain of writing is that when you do this you leave a part of you in these words for all to see and read.  A part of you is gone, never to come back, you leave it here and hope that who reads it does so with the kindness in their eyes that you took with  each careful keystroke to put those words down.  The time it takes to find the words to tell a story can sometimes take a while and then can take a few moments. It all depends on my heart and soul.  Sounds odd doesn't it.

I never meant to try and write the things I do.  I usually just sit down and stare at the monitor and hope that something will start.  And then the words begin.  I do have inspiration for allot of what I write and it comes from many places.  The passion for what I write is there which always surprises me.  I used to believe that I should not read what I write for fear that I would erase it and that I was my own worst enemy.  But soon I learned that it was okay to read it and I found that I liked what I wrote.  

i have been told that there is always someone who inspires me to write and I do have that in my writing.  Actually I have more then one.  But these people span years so the passion that I bring is from them.  I guess I should thank them, yeah like that will ever happen.  I could start about some other topics but you will have to wait to read those later.  I think the adventures I have had are also a help in my writing, there have been some great ones and the people I was with were also great company as well. I have actually started writing a book. But I started that in 1986 and well I do not think I will ever finish it.

amy

Friendships Can Be Hard But Walking Away From One?

Pain is something your heart does not let go of and you have no control over.  No matter how hard you want to turn your back and walk away you will find that you cannot.  It is impossible to do this.  Trying to walk away and think that what is healing is only causing more pain and sadness.  Hurting someone is not going to help you feel better unless that is how you truly are and that is a really sad place to be in this world if you are.  Allowing your heart to forgive and ease the pain is easy and I do not understand why this is hard for people to do.  What makes anger so biter and hateful that we have to  find the deepest part of ourselves and never allow that person into our place again.  How can it be that bad? How can it be that sad to allow another person to feel so rejected by another for unknown reasons?  What happened to honesty in this world? Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we forgot that others have feelings and while we have them as well we should consider theirs as well when we go off  and decide to vent at them.  While we vent at them don't they deserve to know why we are targeting them?  What did they do?  People are so out for the moment of being n their own anger that they almost enjoy walking away from a friend or a loved one without a second glance.  What causes someone to just do this?  It would seem that somehow we would get over this space of needing to walk away and come back.  Should we tell the person that we  need space and that it is okay we will be back?  Why are we so afraid of ourselves and what someone may feel if we are honest.  It is okay to to be angry, mad, overwhelmed, rushed, tired and so many other emotions we are human after all.  But why do we find some persons the target of our need to just leave and not come back.  

Many people walk away from us in our lives, it happens all the time.  We get used to it and go on never thinking about it.  But when some come along that we make friends with or they become like family you want them around for a while.  I think we should have contracts or something that outlines the relationship, friendship or whatever you want to call it.  That way you always know where you stand with the person and there are no unanswered questioned left laying around ready to pounce.  We know that if they are mad at us they will tell us so we can sort it out and move on.  Isn't that what friends do stick by each other?  Then we can also have on the contract that okay clause: the one that sez we are allowed to tell the other that we need some time apart as friends and not to worry all is okay just need to go off and refresh my thoughts.  I will be okay, it is not you it really is just me and my oddities clause.  That is the one that I think we would use quite a bit.  We all need a break from each other we all have our moments of I need time alone so this is a great one to have.  Then there would be no good contract without the no matter what section: the one where you tell them that no matter what you can handle anything they tell you and you will support them in all that they do. 

Now the sad thing is we should all have friendships like this but we do not and I should not have to write this down and leave it here for all to read.  But for you I will.  And as a bonus It's not on my blog!!!!  Most friendships take time to cultivate and grow while others are just meant to be.  We all have them they just begin for no reason and continues on through life.  We have friends that will stand by us and others that will run when they are done with us or we have fulfilled some need they had.  The latter of the those I think is the saddest.  Investing in a friendship takes times and effort and we all have personalities some a little more complex then others.  But just know that each of your friends you chose for some reason whether they offered you a part of yourself that was missing or fit into your life when you needed them.  They laugh at your jokes, support you when you need it, take care of you and offer you all kinds of opinions.  So, remember treat your friends with care they all bring you a special part of themselves to the play group. They have hearts too and they don't read minds.  

amy

Friendships Can Be Hard But Walking Away From One?

Pain is something your heart does not let go of and you have no control over.  No matter how hard you want to turn your back and walk away you will find that you cannot.  It is impossible to do this.  Trying to walk away and think that what is healing is only causing more pain and sadness.  Hurting someone is not going to help you feel better unless that is how you truly are and that is a really sad place to be in this world if you are.  Allowing your heart to forgive and ease the pain is easy and I do not understand why this is hard for people to do.  What makes anger so biter and hateful that we have to  find the deepest part of ourselves and never allow that person into our place again.  How can it be that bad? How can it be that sad to allow another person to feel so rejected by another for unknown reasons?  What happened to honesty in this world? Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we forgot that others have feelings and while we have them as well we should consider theirs as well when we go off  and decide to vent at them.  While we vent at them don't they deserve to know why we are targeting them?  What did they do?  People are so out for the moment of being n their own anger that they almost enjoy walking away from a friend or a loved one without a second glance.  What causes someone to just do this?  It would seem that somehow we would get over this space of needing to walk away and come back.  Should we tell the person that we  need space and that it is okay we will be back?  Why are we so afraid of ourselves and what someone may feel if we are honest.  It is okay to to be angry, mad, overwhelmed, rushed, tired and so many other emotions we are human after all.  But why do we find some persons the target of our need to just leave and not come back.  

Many people walk away from us in our lives, it happens all the time.  We get used to it and go on never thinking about it.  But when some come along that we make friends with or they become like family you want them around for a while.  I think we should have contracts or something that outlines the relationship, friendship or whatever you want to call it.  That way you always know where you stand with the person and there are no unanswered questioned left laying around ready to pounce.  We know that if they are mad at us they will tell us so we can sort it out and move on.  Isn't that what friends do stick by each other?  Then we can also have on the contract that okay clause: the one that sez we are allowed to tell the other that we need some time apart as friends and not to worry all is okay just need to go off and refresh my thoughts.  I will be okay, it is not you it really is just me and my oddities clause.  That is the one that I think we would use quite a bit.  We all need a break from each other we all have our moments of I need time alone so this is a great one to have.  Then there would be no good contract without the no matter what section: the one where you tell them that no matter what you can handle anything they tell you and you will support them in all that they do. 

Now the sad thing is we should all have friendships like this but we do not and I should not have to write this down and leave it here for all to read.  But for you I will.  And as a bonus It's not on my blog!!!!  Most friendships take time to cultivate and grow while others are just meant to be.  We all have them they just begin for no reason and continues on through life.  We have friends that will stand by us and others that will run when they are done with us or we have fulfilled some need they had.  The latter of the those I think is the saddest.  Investing in a friendship takes times and effort and we all have personalities some a little more complex then others.  But just know that each of your friends you chose for some reason whether they offered you a part of yourself that was missing or fit into your life when you needed them.  They laugh at your jokes, support you when you need it, take care of you and offer you all kinds of opinions.  So, remember treat your friends with care they all bring you a special part of themselves to the play group. They have hearts too and they don't read minds.  


(this was originally not on my blog, in case you noticed the comment I made up there somewhere about this one not being here)

amy

This Blog is for You.

This blog is for you. You gave me the courage to stand out in a world on my own. To face the challenges of everyday with a smile on my face and to know that no matter what I could make it. When I looked to you for guidance you were there showing me the way to go. Teaching me that it was okay to make mistakes that is why they were called that. But the goal was to learn from them. You used laughter to show me how to face my fears and look them in the eyes and stare them down. I became the person I am because of the person you believed I could be. You showed me that love was unconditional it had no boundaries. I learned that I could make mistakes and no matter what you would never walk away from me. You were there with me through the good times and the bad holding my hand giving me the confidence to find within myself what I needed to take steps outside myself. You let me fly away all alone knowing I could but was there the minute I needed you. You never lied to me always telling me how it was, keeping it real. I learned to be strong but to never be so strong that I could not find my way back. You kept me grounded never letting me forget that I was beautiful inside and out. That my heart was pure and my innocence was a quality that was okay to have in this world.

If anyone gives me the passion to write it is you. You gave me the love of healing. To me that was the greatest gift I could have ever received. No one could ever understand what a gift that was to get. You taught me that I did not have to be be biter or angry. That overcoming all of that and being a better person was what it was about. You gave me the passion to feel the deepest kind of love, to be able to see myself. To see past all the hate in this world and anger that is in it and stand up to it. You showed me how to stay true to me and never let the world take away my wonder.

This is for you. Everything I write every word is on here written from my heart. Written with the passion that I have for what you gave me. Love. So while I miss you and love you with all my heart I know that you are out there reading this somewhere. You are a part of me and I have you with me everyday.

With every ounce of my heart I love you

amy

Loving someone your entire life.....

My heartbreak that never has happened or at least not that I am aware of. Sometimes we just love someone our entire lives. They take that step into our lives one day and we love them no reason needs to be given and it is not for any other thought provoking momentous thing. It is just love. Do I even ponder what it is. Nope I have just let it go on being what it is. They leave us going off into the distance and never really giving us a reason we see them places at first but our heart pangs at their face. They don't care we are not on their radar they have other needs and we are not it. But that is the way it is. Now who is this person it could be anybody really and you just have to decide for yourself who it is in your entire life that fits this. I have some yes more then one that have crossed my path. Do I love them yes with a passion that is beyond definition. What is love I guess it is what I describe further down in my blog you know a few lower then here.

How does it feel to be loved and how does it feel to give love are two different things in my book. I think we can give love but to be loved is harder. To allow ourselves to be loved means we have to open our souls up and risk being hurt. Have to really take a leap that the other person will not destroy us. Can you really do that? Can you really take a leap of faith that important to let someone be that much inside of you that they become a part of your soul? A piece of you? The other half of what is missing? Could you really allow yourself to let your guard down so completely? To stand in front of another person and tell them here take my heart in your hands and hold it, take my soul it is yours? Hold it, care for it, keep it safe? A person would have to know that you are so completely in love with them that you are their soul mate? The one who would never hurt them no matter what? My heart could not do that again. Love is such a delicate word it has a meaning that is so kind and gentle just saying it is emotional in itself. .

Now that brings me to the circle. Do we come back to someone? Like the bird? You know let it go if it comes back.... There is always the if it does not hunt it down and shoot it. Which I think some people have taken to heart. Sorry. Anyhow. It seems we go through many changes in our lives. What we think is the correct path may not be. But do we find out too late or does it slowly come to a end and then the circle comes back around. Do people walk back into our lives when we need them? Even ones that we did not think we needed or they needed us? Is it too presumptuous to think we pull ourselves to each other out of some unknown force? Would we have ever found each other again? Is fate that easy or cruel? Paths cross at the wrong time for some of us and sadly times are never right which can be painful. Sometimes the path crosses at the right time and then it is a time of whether to test that fate. Do we take that chance. Put the heart out there again because you know the heart kinda got pushed aside once and will it again is the question? But the heart and the soul have choices to make and they will know what to do when the time comes. They seem to know if this is what they want. Since the heart never was broken and the soul never had to repair itself there is a possibility that it won't ever have to. But the circle comes back around and the people that we just love are there as they were when we first met or saw them.

So I will end this with how I began it with sometimes we just love someone our entire lives for no reason. We just do. They may come into our lives and leave and we never see them again, loving them for just a moment. Or we may love them awhile and then they go away but when they come back it is okay. Because they have a place in our hearts that is there for them and only them. You may wonder why? the answer is as natural at the sun rising and setting everyday.

Who do I write about.......

When I write on here I am writing what I have thought about after seeing something or being inspired. Does it mean you are supposed to read into what I write? No and please do not. I write as anyone who enjoys writing does. Yes, sometimes I do have a jumping board but not always I find that anything can find its way into my head and then it swims around in there until it needs to come out. I think I have at least twenty other beginnings that were just not ready to be finished in my back office of this blog. Ones that I thought were ready and then I found they were not and may never be.

Some things are from long ago but not all of the items. Take the latest one. It seems to have created some questions or some really inquiring minds out there. While not allot of you want to know "who" it is that would cause me to write such a piece others have been reaching. But sadly it is no one, yep no one. I wrote it because I think that we all want to know how does that kind of love feels all of it not just parts of it. I could have written more but as with anything I write when I am done that is it. Done. Now was there an inspiration to me writing it? Well, that my friends is for me to know and I am not telling.

I have taken allot of the other writings out. They have gone on vacation for awhile, they needed one. But the others may come back one day out of retirement. Some will never see that light of day. Oh, and those ads click on them, I get paid when you do. Thanks.

While I notice someone does read these writings there are never comments that is okay but once in a while a hello would be nice. Hey I read them once in a while but if I start saying hello to myself...............

How Does It Feel.....?

How does it feel to have someone love you or even see you from across a room and just want to be with you more then anything else in their entire world. How does it feel to know that that person can control your emotions and with a look send you spiraling to a point of intense wanting need of their attention How does it feel to know that you can without even knowing it have someone love you without you ever knowing it? How does it feel to have someone show you the kind of love that is so intense and rare it feels like no one else could ever know what it is like? How does it feel to be touched with such tenderness that each contact is just as intense as the first touch? How does it feel to feel love? How does it feel when you know someone finds you so attractive that they still find you that way years later even though they have not seen you? How does it feel to know that you will hold someones heart in your hands for all eternity? How does it feel to know that you could break that heart? How does it feel to be loved? How does it feel to lay down next to someone and just lay there knowing that they are there next to you feeling you breath? How does it feel to look into someone you loves eyes and know they love you back without saying it? How does it feel to be needed? How does it feel to be held closely be someone that loves you and feel their heartbeat? How does it feel to see the one you love in across a room and know they see you? How does it feel to dance with the one you love? How does it feel to be treated like a delicate flower by the one that loves you? How does it feel to be loved so much that the world does not matter? How does it feel to rest your head in your loves lap? How does it feel to be told I love you from the heart? How does it feel to truly to loved? How does it feel to be the one? How does it feel to be someones soul mate? How does it feel to have someone fall in love with you? How does it feel to have the chance to love? How does it feel to walk in the park with the one you love holding their hand? How does it feel doing the things that you do when you love?

We catch a ride on a train that takes us on a journey called life. Along that way we find many things that cause us to look at the moment and decide could we have done something to change it and created a outcome that was different. As children we do not get to choose our parents that is done without our knowledge and consent yet our path is begun. Some of us get the golden ticket while others get the coach and then there is the other ticket the one no one wants. As we grow up we learn that our ticket is shown everywhere we go. A label of sorts that ties us down or builds us up. In some cases we are able to cash that ticket in for a better one. Others are on an eternal quest to better that ticket. And then there are the ones that settle for no apparent reason then just because.

Sadly, none of these tickets come with a guarantee that your life will match the ticket that you got. It does not give you anything more then a label. The childhood is the easy part really, it is what makes you who you are. Look back and really see what it was that shaped you. All those times that you had and the outcomes from them. Your lessons were there whether you learned something or not they were there. Some of us learned real quick how to survive while others did not. Your ticket did not prevent who your parents were or how they cared for you. Either one of those tickets have realms of possibilities. You get what you got and now you have to deal with it. Some of us have learned how to handle things in this world better then others. It is the survival instinct.

As for people in this world, yep it did come with them and we have to deal with them everyday. Now there are some people that believe in their own minds that they are better then all the rest of us. Each one of them has a ticket as well, they think mine is better then yours and will surely attempt to let you know this. But no one can do that to you if you do not want them to. There are boundaries that these people overstep and they seem to believe that they can. You do not have to allow this ever. Whatever they think their entitlement is to you to treat you without respect comes from their own insecurities. Sadly, these are the ones I avoid like the plague. Always have and always will. They can be found everywhere and I do mean everywhere. Another thing is they do not know that they even treat people this way it is who they are and really they probably have never sat back and wondered why people scatter when they come around or why no includes them. They are most likely to caught up in their own world to even care and their friends are the same way. Here is a bit of news in my observations of these types of ticket holders and they are all the types of tickets, one of the sexes outweighs the other is this. I will leave that to your opinion as my will taint yours. But the next time you are sitting amongst your friends somewhere watch around you and see. There are those that just seem to think the world revolves around them and like anyone knows this world has allot of issues so just think that person must as well and laugh. These ticket holders can be found in all kinds of environments and in different situations. Anyone can be this person they do not have to be rich, beautiful, poor, intelligent it is not about that it is about their personality.

The next ticket holders are the peacemakers as I will call them. Their tickets are from all three as well. Remember their childhood and how they handled it put them on this path. They are the ones who want to make a difference in this world by helping it not tarnishing it anymore then it already is. They are the ones that use what they have to do the best they can with their piece of earth. Does that mean they are happy go lucky. I do not know but I know we are human and all humans are not always happy. That would be too easy. They go about their lives making the best of it. I think they settle but it is hard for them to do this because like everyone else it is a matter of defeat. And that is ego crushing for us humans. But they enjoy life and enjoy their world. Do they try and change it? Probably, but they go about it with their hearts and logic as well. They put their energy to good use and make the best of all that they are given. These are the ones that we want to have around us. The ones whose tickets are not tattered because they took them and understood that what they were given everyday as a child was a lesson whether they realized it or not. They want their world to revolve with care and with everyone together so that life is not too difficult but not to easy. They are the ones that have challenges with what the world gives them everyday. They are the ones that have friends I mean really have friends.

Then there are the other ticket holders. These ticket holders are the promise makers. I call them this because that is what they are. They are always wanting to better themselves and never happy with who they are. It is a uphill battle with their inner self. No matter what they do it will never be a fulfilling life for them. They also carry with one of the three tickets but just cannot be happy. They live in a dream of being something or doing something that will never happen. And before you say but this is okay. No it is not. Dreaming and bettering yourself is great but not to the extent that these holders do it. These holders destroy their lives and those around them in the quest for the eternal golden dream. Their lives are not about being happy with who they are and what they have it is never enough. They want more and make promises to themselves and others that never come true. They create so much rift between themselves and their world that it leaves them broken and depressed. They have no friends because they have all scattered to the four corners of the planet. Tired of supporting a holders dream and watching them slide down a hill without seeing the damage they are causing. There would revolves around making their lives better which is a uphill battle because no matter how good their life is it will never be what is in their minds. It is in my opinion a sickness, one that only they can see. These are the saddest of the three because I think they are never going to be happy and try to be a part of this world.

So, now for my irony. I think we need all of these ticket holders in order for this world to work. It is the personalities that give us that unique quality of being human. While some of each of the tickets could use a good tweaking most of them are set in their ways and will never change. I know people from all of these train riders and it is entertaining with the first group to watch them. Most of my friends are with the second group. But I think you all knew that, it is the most easiest group to go with. I do not want to call them classes because they are not. Even more strangely I think we have a little of each one in all of us. We would be vain not to. Our train ride will continue for life and we get to get on and off that train whenever we like. That is the beauty of it we can slow it down or speed it up. But no matter what it will get us to somewhere and we will have others with us who are all individuals with their own thoughts and minds.

peace.