We all have doubts about one thing or another. Some of us ponder the question of whether god truly does exist. I wonder that sometimes myself right now more then in the past. Why do I? Well if he did then why did he give me a life with no family to begin with. I have no one aside from my children, no parents, aunts, uncles no family, except for cousins and I am just an obligation to them at Thanksgiving otherwise I do not exist. I never did matter to anyone growing up it was me against this world. I have no capacity to really understand what a family entails or what it means to be in one. While my children are my family we are close but I have nothing to offer them on my side. I have no one to go too when I need help or love. Yep love, I never got that. I was able to give it but very selectively and not always. It takes allot for me to trust that I can do this and I have this ability to push away rather then let someone get close. When someone sez to trust them, that takes allot of my soul to do that and I am so afraid to trust them that it hurts me to a point of fear. Fear that they will eventually leave and break that trust. Trust is such a delicate word that it should never be used unless you really mean it and believe that what you say is that you want a person to know that they will not hurt you.
I open my soul to some but not everyone. I have loved so deeply in my life that my soul has been left with a missing part of it. One that I may never get back, you give away your heart but a part of your soul leaves to. I think the saddest part about love is not measuring up to it. Never understanding that it is just a word but a very intense one. You can have all kinds of love but the love that is for family I will never get to know or have so while I feel so much pain for not having this I guess for some reason god decided that was the way it was. Not sure what I am supposed to learn from that since everyone seems to think there are lessons in everything.
You don't have to understand that there are many kinds of love out there to know that each one is special. We don't all get to have each one in our lives but you would think we would all get a family. We all don't get real love or someone to truly love us. Yeah we go through many relationships to try and find someone. Does not always work out the way we expect or hope. Nothing ever does. We model those persons we find after someone usually a parent. Sometimes we don't find that person so there goes that eternal quest. I guess some of us are lucky not to have parents in some instances.
So now I have found that if god wanted me to be lonely then he certainly has done his job. Because I have no family except for cousins. I have my friends and some people that I trust with every part of my being and that list is very small. So I am not convinced that we are meant to find love or give love or even understand why some get a family and others don't, why some of us get to be alone and others get to be loved and happy, why some of us can see what is right in front of us and others are blind to it, why the heart is so guarded and the mind is so demanding, why it can't be and understand that sometimes it is the journey and not always the rule, why throwing out the instruction manuel is easier when you just need to see what is in front of you to understand, why giving up is always an option but hope is always better.
amy
