family, god, love and well it is not what you think!

We all have doubts about one thing or another.  Some of us ponder the question of whether god truly does exist.  I wonder that sometimes myself right now more then in the past.  Why do I?  Well if he did then why did he give me a life with no family to begin with.  I have no one aside from my children, no parents, aunts, uncles no family, except for cousins and I am just an obligation to them at Thanksgiving otherwise I do not exist.  I never did matter to anyone growing up it was me against this world.   I have no capacity to really understand what a family entails or what it means to be in one.  While my children are my family we are close but I have nothing to offer them on my side.  I have no one to go too when I need help or love.  Yep love, I never got that.  I was able to give it but very selectively and not always.  It takes allot for me to trust that I can do this and I have this ability to push away rather then let someone get close.  When someone sez to trust them, that takes allot of my soul to do that and I am so afraid to trust them that it hurts me to a point of fear.  Fear that they will eventually leave and break that trust.  Trust is such  a delicate word that it should never be used unless you really mean it and believe that what you say is that you want a person to know that they will not hurt you.

I open my soul to some but not everyone.  I have loved so deeply in my life that my soul has been left with a missing part of it.  One that I may never get back, you give away your heart but a part of your soul leaves to.  I think the saddest part about love is not measuring up to it.  Never understanding that it is just a word but a very intense one.  You can have all kinds of love but the love that is for family I will never get to know or have so while I feel so much pain for not having this I guess for some reason god decided that was the way it was.  Not sure what I am supposed to learn from that since everyone seems to think there are lessons in everything.

You don't have to understand that there are many kinds of love out there to know that each one is special.  We don't all get to have each one in our lives but you would think we would all get a family.  We all don't get real love or someone to truly love us.  Yeah we go through many relationships to try and find someone. Does not always work out the way we expect or hope.  Nothing ever does.  We model those persons we find after someone usually a parent.  Sometimes we don't find that person so there goes that eternal quest.  I guess some of us are lucky not to have parents in some instances.

So now I have found that if god wanted me to be lonely then he certainly has done his job.  Because I have no family except for cousins.  I have my friends and some people that I trust with every part of my being and that list is very small.  So I am not convinced that we are meant to find love or give love or even understand why some get a family and others don't, why some of us get to be alone and others get to be loved and happy,  why some of us can see what is right in front of us and others are blind to it, why the heart is so guarded and the mind is so demanding, why it can't be and understand that sometimes it is the journey and not always the rule,  why throwing out the instruction manuel is easier when you just need to see what is in front of you to understand,  why giving up is always an option but hope is always better.

amy

Writing....

The beauty of being able to write on here is that here it is for all to see and yet some of this is from somewhere so deep inside of me that I cannot even tell you where it comes from.  So I guess I just write so that my heart and soul gets to tell a story that it wants to tell.  Sometimes I am not quite sure where it comes from but it does.  I have written to someone and I have written to no one.  I have written things that are so much a part of myself that when I am done it takes my breath away.

 The pain of writing is that when you do this you leave a part of you in these words for all to see and read.  A part of you is gone, never to come back, you leave it here and hope that who reads it does so with the kindness in their eyes that you took with  each careful keystroke to put those words down.  The time it takes to find the words to tell a story can sometimes take a while and then can take a few moments. It all depends on my heart and soul.  Sounds odd doesn't it.

I never meant to try and write the things I do.  I usually just sit down and stare at the monitor and hope that something will start.  And then the words begin.  I do have inspiration for allot of what I write and it comes from many places.  The passion for what I write is there which always surprises me.  I used to believe that I should not read what I write for fear that I would erase it and that I was my own worst enemy.  But soon I learned that it was okay to read it and I found that I liked what I wrote.  

i have been told that there is always someone who inspires me to write and I do have that in my writing.  Actually I have more then one.  But these people span years so the passion that I bring is from them.  I guess I should thank them, yeah like that will ever happen.  I could start about some other topics but you will have to wait to read those later.  I think the adventures I have had are also a help in my writing, there have been some great ones and the people I was with were also great company as well. I have actually started writing a book. But I started that in 1986 and well I do not think I will ever finish it.

amy