what you will gain by reading this or is her mind this bizarre?

Well, you will gain allot of insight into what makes a mind like mine tick. I do not profess to be a writer I just write. I never planned to do this I actually wanted to be a doctor even got right up to med school and decided it was not for me. I know I was not pleased with myself when self told me that we were not going to continue. Had to do with blood and the fact that I do not like it. Yeah sure I would get used to it. But self knew better and good thing because I still do not like blood. But enough or I might faint. Getting back to my writing I really love to write but it is not like a switch that I can just turn on and then away I go unfortunately that is not the case. I have to have a reason to write something that will put me in the frame of mind and give me the ideas and the thought lines to begin. That is why the years between writings are far between I wish I could just pick up the computer and begin but nope I have to formulate all the words and put them together and then sit down and write no rough drafts for me it is sit down and write until i am done.

Yes , my thoughts can get rather confusing and weird doesn't everyone's or they just are afraid to write it down. That is okay I have accepted that some of my stuff is rather odd to read kind of goes in a circle. Some of my earlier work looks similar to later work I think that is a continuation of the earlier for some reason i never read the earlier before I write so I am always amazed how similar they are. I must be finishing the story somehow. So enjoy them read them over a couple of times and leave your comments and please do not take the things I say personally some of it is personal but some is not it is just thought provoking ramblings of my ideas about things.

forgiveness or why I really want to try the angry side of me

Okay, I am going to try this correct grammer thing since I was told I should use it. So forgive me if I forget once in awhile. I found this topic and thought to self hum do I really want to forgive or do I want to try out anger first since I have not tried out anger I really wanted to do that. Not just any anger the kind of anger that I see others do to me the kind where they use me as a friend until they are done or they get what they want then toss me aside and my feelings get hurt so my anger deep down in the bottom of my soul anger sits. Or the anger when I feel cheated out of something and I make it stay down because I am a nice person at heart and I really do not try and rock the boat and sometimes I do.

I never realized why I am the person who tries the hardest to be happy or let things be most of the time. I used to get mad but not really angry to where I hated so much. I would shake and cry first I just could never be like that. I had the childhood from hell and never thought that I should be angry about being cheated out of it. Never really hated my parents for doing the things they did just felt sorry for them because they could not be parents and it was not their fault it was who they were. I always see the good in people even when others do not and they tell me how they don't like a person that I know. But I do not listen because I feel that is not fair the person should be given a chance and I do not mind if they are a pain or needy they still need a friend and I can do that I am kind of a needy person we all are to someone else we just do not know we are. Ask you will find one person you are needy to.

But now we have to move on to the topic of forgiveness. Which I think is one of the hardest things for us mere mortals to do. Why you may ask well lets see you are putting your heart out there, your pride, your ego and all those other things we cannot really see unless we open you up in some cases to be rejected, hurt, stomped on, bruised get my point. So here goes you first have to get right with yourself and that is finding it within yourself the desire to say "self you are going to forgive this person it is for the saving of your friendship, you and this person should not throw it down the drain, get over your pride and just do it" sometimes self does not listen and the stubborn side tells you "no, don't do it you did nothing wrong they did it leave it alone"" well if you both leave it alone then it will never get resolved. So you will end a friendship instead of hurting your pride. Gee, you take other risks in life all the time so why not this one, what is it the one that has too much at stake or you may not like the outcome. Well, guess what you won't know unless you try.

Okay, so it took me in one case a very long time to resolve my pain and move forward. I think I had to forgive the others that cared for me not necessarily the other person he really did not know I was there and his forgiveness needs to come from his heart as well. I think the first step was the hardest and that was resolving that they just did not know how to handle the situation I mean you can pray and talk to g-d but we are human and need contact but that never happened I never was held and was told to cry it was go to school, heck I did not even get the day off. I wonder if they ever realized how traumatized I was that day. I mean it is not everyday you see what I saw. But at some point I think I never forgave the adults for how they handled it, they just had no clue and I guess they did not have a book to go by either. Well enough about that, let's move on. Forgiving that act of moving forward without looking back. I imagine by now you are thinking I do not have anyone to forgive I have done nothing wrong to anyone. You would be surprised by your actions and what they have cost you. Sit in a circle and ask that question and there will be a conversation that will go on. We cannot do this of course because if we did it would turn into an argument and then well we would have to forgive each other for arguing.

So when was the last time you forgave or someone asked you to forgive them. It is not a daily ritual sadly we just are not programed to do this. Men have to be brave and save face show the woman that he is strong and invincible no wimpy dude is he. Women have to be the queen of the room, in charge , in control of the situation no way can she forgive the others would not look up to her. Sorry everyone but you have to give in or this will never get done. We just cannot be this way and expect for our little world to continue if we do not forgive because without it we have to keep making new friends and can you imagine the time and energy you would have to put into that. Some of us are high maintenance and need lots of tlc so we cannot afford to lose friends. While others have low maintenance and really little care.



Now when it comes time to step up to forgive you will need a road map so you know what to say or do. Before you start think about what you are going to say, how will you approach the conversation. Remember the other person is most likely not happy with you and therefore you must sooth the choppy sea before you go in for the forgive lines. Make sure you do not under any circumstance make them sound like the culprit this will not help your situation in any way. Understand that you will have to be very nice and mean it don't do this unless you really mean it. Forgiving has to come from your heart and be very soulful it cannot be just a thing you do. So when you are really ready then you can do this but you have to be completely ready and know that you can leave all the anger behind you and be happy with the person again without any doubt. Good Luck.

Blah!

Yep, today is one of those days when I want to say something but yet it has not come to mind. While you may think that I have very little on this blog you should see my closet it is full of drafts, finished blogs and ones that will never see the light of day. I am not the writer I just do this to create a place to put my thoughts down so I can not forget them. On my facebook I have quotes I have made up and one day I will put them here as well. But that will be allot of copy and pasteing to get them here.

The drafts have just yet to be continued for that reason that we all have procrastination. I started writing it and just stopped, I felt that I was not ready to move it forward and create what I wanted so into the closet of unfinished it went with all the others. Some have come to fruition and shown up on here while many are waiting for their middle and ending. I will go in there and see if anything wants to be finished and if the words come to me I will bring it on out for editing and away I will go. Otherwise it will stay there hoping for the day that I can make it into the blog it so wants to be.

Then we have my finished ones that sit and wait. They are done and are rotated out with the ones that are there now. I figure in order not to overwhelm myself I only post a few and that way you and I do not get completely confused on my brain thoughts. All of them are reflective of my life or written with something that happened and then it sets off the blog. Either way you get to read them and I get control over them at all times. Not that anyone reads them that I am aware of. No comments which I like. Commenting is your opinion and my work is not asking for opinions nor do I need anyone to grow my ego. I write to give me my peace of mind and because it seems to be fun. Oh, and I am not a writer.

Now for the ones that you will never see and the light of day won't either. These are the ones that are not for anyone eyes to read. I would have to put disclaimers out that you could come away with all sorts of conditions after reading them. So it is best they stay locked away. See you now want to know what they are about and are eager to read them. Who sezs you have not already and I just decided that they are no longer for the worlds eyes anymore. Could be that I wrote it, posted it for a time and that was it. Kind of like a one time deal. Here it is! Take a look! Now it is gone forever! Only for my eyes and no one elses. There are some in there. Nothing that is mind blowing or reveals the and earth shattering news, at least none that I am aware of. But they are mine. Maybe one day you will read one and wonder if this is one of those that is in this category. Hummmm, you will never know. Like I would reveal that secret.

Heartbreaks 1 but who is counting........

"For every beat that my heart makes there are some beats missing and those are the ones that are missing you. That is how my heart knows you are not here and until I see you again they will always be that way. The softness of you voice whispering those words in my ear are but a memory now one that I cherish and bring with me each and every day. " Once in a lifetimes may only just be that but they also bring with them the most wonderful and joyous times that can be so uplifting and soulful. But they can also be the ones that will break your heart and crush your soul. The day we met was such a beautiful day that no one could ever change or mar. The crossing of two souls that would have never even known each other had certain events not taken place. I had never planned to be there and then went with the others because I was needed to go. I was not the type to go and be amongst the people. I was not even dressed for the event. You do not even know the pangs it took for me to be there. When you walked into the room I did not even glance at you. But I remember that moment like it was yesterday. You asked who I was to my friend and I know because he told me. But you see I did not even care. I think the part where the ladies in charge came in later and told me I was needed at the big event when I offered to stay behind and then told me to find you when I got there. I should have known something was up. I got there and what a party it was I was completely out of dress and that was just the beginning. But your friend was there and he saw me and told me to wait right there so I did. I was good at that. And here you came you told me I was working with you. Well, I would not call walking around with you and talking all night working but I do not know how you charmed me but you were the most amazing kind, caring, compassionate person I had ever met. Do you remember we talked all night it was as if no one was around us, no one existed in the entire place. That was the night you called me amyness and when I asked you why you said it meant everything about me. This was your name for me. From that day on we were inseparable at least during the rest of the event and for several weeks after. We spent every moment we could together even your birthday. You had my heart and soul I could not even tell you the first time we kissed. A kiss with you was such a intense moment and was all that was needed I knew from that how you felt. But I could tell you that you taught me about real love and how to give your heart to someone. I had never fallen so in love with someone so intensely that when it was over you asked me why I did not cry. I could not the pain was to great. You had taken something from me that left me with such a void that I could not even find the water inside to cry. When you left I cried but it took along time. The reason it ended was I think the saddest part because it was not something that we did it was out of our control. I think it hurt you so painfully and deeply as well and I am and always have been so sorry for not understanding better the reasons for why you had to do what you did. I know your heart was hurting too and for you to have to make the choices you did back then were just as hard.

I had never been so hurt and destroyed until that day my heart was so broken and my soul was missing a part of it. Even now I have a hard time with writing this. Why I do not know. Is this what is like to love with all you have and put your soul into it that when it ends with a reason that really broke both our hearts. We could not be together not that we did not want to be we could not. Choices had to be made. I spent a week with friends at a beach far away after that just sitting looking at the water. Love is a powerful thing it was for me I had never know a love like this and it took us by surprise. Have you ever just touched someone and knew by that touch or that was all you needed. This was how we were. We did not need anything else, a kiss was a powerful moment between us. We would lay next to each other and that was all we needed. Do I believe he was my soulmate? He was someone that completed me in so many ways. The time we had was like no other that I have ever experienced and since a part of me has always been missing. Twice I have been somewhere and he was there. The first time I walked by him and just turned around and looked into his eyes I knew it was him I saw the pain there and had to look away. It was at least 14 years later. Then I saw him again about three years ago and it was across a room I was walking away and had this feeling and turned and once again saw him we knew immediately and again the pain was there. It is a moment of emotional intensity that is so hard to understand unless you knew what it was like. Like I said the saddest part is this was one where it did not matter how much you loved someone outside circumstances prevented us from ever moving forward. The irony is where I am today......