I guess the time has come to talk about broken hearts and what happens to them. I have had some of these not many but enough to write a little bit about them. So I will, although you might find that I am not the expert on a heart that breaks mainly because I tended to get more cautious as the next boy came along. I think I am a one boy for me girl and never really thought about it until recently. Do we really have that high school sweetheart and is it really possible that they can come back after all these years and you find those feelings like the first time or is it all in your head Are your feelings based on what you felt then since allot of time has gone by and by now allot of water has gone under the bridge and well it is certainly not way back when. I mean you both have allot of baggage behind you know.
So let's start with my first crush, love, he's the one and all those other fancy statements that we use to protray our emotions as teenagers in love. It was drama and I was new in the school, very shy, mousy type, non social, no boy in his right mind would look at me type and he came into the room I do not know what happened but he was the boy for me. I was totally taken by him, don't ask me why he was the one, could not tell you to save my mortal soul, yep a song lyric, happens on occasion. But there he was and I felt funny feelings that I had never felt before either that or I was hungry but either way he was it. I found out his name and that he was a senior, well that was it he would not give me the time of day I was a lonely mousy sophmore and even though we were both in drama my chances of him noticing me were zero to none.
Well, as we move on through the story which most of it is no longer a part of my memory age has taken that I do remember we had a play and I was working on it. I was in the dressing room and he came and gave me my first kiss, yep my very first kiss, never been kissed by a boy in my entire life made it to the age of 15 before being kissed. Today that would never happen. I did not know what to do and really how to kiss. I think he was unsure of how I handled it as well. Hey, when you are in high school I guess you are supposed to be a pro at this stuff. Sadly I did not get that handbook page when I was registared. I can't say how it went from there but we never really went any further I think he was not in the frame of mind to teach a 15 year old the ettiquette of kissing and all the other stuff. So he was done with me but I was still head over heels for him for the entire year and probably for a long time afterwards. He was of course my first real love, my first kiss, gave me a lecture about something pertaining to letting go and not being afraid of the world I of course would listen to him if he said the sky was green and white with dots. I saw him at some parties but he never gave me a second look. I was not in his circle and he was into things I was not ready for. I was rather young and nieve about the goings on at parties but my heart still wanted him to notice me. Funny how your heart rules your emotions regardless of how your mind tells it NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO, but apparantly a body part with no thought process can be more assertive then the brain. I hear there are other parts that can be this way too. And yes I know what they are. But this is my story and I choose not to write in that. This is a sappy story meant to invoke crying and emotions of sorrow and heartfelt love and a side of laughter.
Well, he graduated, I moved and my life as well as his moved on. I never looked back at this point I was on to another high school, for me this was a constant process, at least I got a chance to reinvent myself at each one and become more of a person of substance: yeah right. I just wanted to have friends and get through school. At this school I never found my prince charming that would sweep me off my feet but I did have a boyfriend. He was very sweet and kind but not the boy that was the one to break my heart for the second time. Oh, by the way the first boy up there did break my heart don't know how we never dated or anything, he was my first "he's the one" and I never felt that way and there is another part to that story years later. Now getting back to this boy. We dated and had a great friendship, I guess love was there but not the head over heels heart pounding, flutters when he walks into the room love. I think that only happens once in a while and for me that has been once so far. Well, I stayed at this school never really dated allot was not into that scene just never got into that. But I had friends and did stuff with them. My senior year I did have another boyfriend he was not at the school, he was older then me, but that was okay. We did allot of things together and we had a love for each other but still no head over heels heart pounding kiss me and I float love nope did not happen this time either. I was loseing in this love thing was not finding another boy to give me that feeling again. I graduated, eventually broke up with that boy and moved out to live in a apartment by myself.
Now I moved out when I graduated from high school I was of legal age and almost nineteen, August would be the big day and I would also be legal to drink, yep the grandfather clause made me legal at 19 and my dear friends legal at 21. I grew up allot during these years I had to be responsible for me and take care of myself. I was more then happy to do it. Still no prince charming and I was not really looking either. Did go places in groups.
I did meet prince charming in 1986 and he would be the next heart breaker at least this time we did date, amazing a feat that did not happen the first time. Maybe if I was not in my shell and was more aggressive I could have dated the first boy but hey I guess there was a reason. Well this boy was the one that pursued me and that he did. I was not going around looking for a boyfriend I was just happy being me and being with my friends. I met him through my friends at the Miami Film Festival where I volunteered. He noticed me first and then I ended up working with him. This was my fairy tale! The one true everyone should have one fairy tale and of course you know every fairy tale never has the happy ending they just end. This was a wonderful romance was with all the adoration and emotions roled into it. We did everything together and yet it was also a very innocent fairy tale, somewhat pg and that was okay. For me just being near him made me happy he was someone that I could be me and that was okay. Now I could go into all the mushy stuff but that would be another blog and we are not here to talk about that we are here about broken hearts and here it comes. Yep, he broke my heart, ripped it out, stomped on it, crushed it, tore it to pieces, well not really but you get the point. We went out had a nice time and then it came the sad news that I was not going to be accepted by his parents because I was not his religion. He cried but I did not. My pain was so great that I could not cry, I could not do anything and I was so emotionally drained that it really felt like I had nothing left. He asked me 1question why was I not crying and I never answered him because I could not, I was so devastated that words could not ever come close to what I felt. Pain is all I could think of and it is all I had left I never felt so much pain and if that was what the breaking of my heart felt like then maybe it was a good thing boy number one was a calmer situation for my heart. Can you imagine if I had to go through that twice, maybe boy one was the warm up heart breaker for boy two. Either way both boys broke my heart. It took along time to get over boy two. I moved three states away to get away from him it was all I could do to stop my heart from feeling so much pain. Never thought about boy one, of course I do remember looking up boy one and he was in Tennessee, had a girlfriend so I decided not to contact him. Funny how he came to mind again. do not know when that was and it would be interesting if it was around 1986.
Now at some point boy number one did come back into the picture and we did see each other again just for a brief period and then it was done. I think I was so unsure of he and I that I did not know what to do and whether I was just a momentary thing so I never looked back. The feelings with him were still there which probably scared me as well, since the age old question of first loves and all were running around. I think back and wonder if I was just have the first love pangs and knew that he did not have that same feeling so it was not for him what it was for me feelings. Most likely yes. Apparantly, the broken hearts have made the heart wiser and more careful then before.
Now exactly how long does it take for the heart to heal or does it ever. We are so ready to give it away and then when it comes back damaged we just put it back in and feel all its pain. We get really sad and feel like the world is going to end. We have all moved on, some of us are married and have children others are not. Either way having contact with either one seems to walk me down memory lane and think about them. So I guess that your first loves or crushes or what ever you want to call them do require closure and until you get that the heart waits for it to be put back together and the only one that can do that is the person that broke it in the first place. Maybe that explains why when we see the one who broke our heart our heart remembers the pangs and heartache because it wants to heal and the only way that can happen is if that person is the one to pick it up after all these years. That is also why our first loves are in our teenage years and not later because when we mature and get older and run into these first loves again we are older and wiser and willing to talk about it lightheartedly and heal faster.
just a thought.
