No more...

I wrote this at 4 am. But please know that I am fine. No matter how bleak our world can be I will never lose what bobby gave me. So I write and this was written after I wrote a real letter to someone else.  Do I believe in my soul yes it has gotten me through extremely hard times. Do I believe in what I write yes. Because if I did not them it's not my soul. So enjoy and know I write.


It is with great sadness that I now have no faith , trust or hope in people. I have learned that you can put these into your belief that people truly are this but then you find that they are not. You want to believe that the world is good and that people have good hearts but instead you learn the same lesson over and over. That people are liars, destroyers and haters. Their only intentions are to knock down your soul. Am I being dramatic why yes I am. For all the good I try to believe each person is I find that the bad is always so vile in them. It is as if they wear a shell of what is expected but under is their hate. Waiting to come out.

What happened to just being a kind person? being the person who just likes people with no intentions? What happened to faith, honesty and trust?

So there you have it. I will miss my love of being innocent to the belief in people really are good. I will miss my trust in knowing that it will be okay.

I have allowed this world's vile, dark and evil to touch my soul. My soul who used to believe in forgiveness and that people were capable of goodness.  To think I believed that life has to get easy because the beginning was so horrible. That no matter what I went through I could still have faith in humanity. I forgave so easily because it was the way I thought you should be.

I guess love truly cannot win in this world. It is just not the one true we can ever attain. We can search for it and think we found it in every person but it's not there. It's just a word that gives us hope. Hope that is just never going to make it. With this word is the need to destroy it over and over.  Yet we do not try and destroy the feelings of the hate. We thrive in hate and darkness.  The evil that is here is not coming it's here. It's what makes us. No matter how much we tell ourselves that we are not haters. We try to and succeed at destroying everything we touch. We build ourselves up in the process of destroying others. We have to find the wrong in all parts of our day. We try and be good people but we cannot. We are users sucking the life out of everything. We have caused so much hate amongst ourselves that we believe we are good. No one is good hearted we do not have that capability in any part of us.

I want to hope that there were good people who saw the good but it seems I feel they got to leave purgatory early. Who is to say this is not where we end up until we do right by our wrongs committed somewhere else.
Where we thrive like parasites given a place of beauty. Which we have destroyed.  Our only innocent moment is when we are born. This place is filling up with lost souls.   We must have been very evil to end up here.

I watched and observed only to learn that we are mean and spiteful. I always had the glimmer of hope that those few I bonded with had the same souls. I think we did but those souls are leaving here at a fast pace. The good ones don't leave young they leave when their soul has been cleansed of the evil. They finally get to be free.  They were at the end of there purgatory and ready to get out of here. They learned to be the person they needed to be. The ones who left here as free souls get to be whole again. The ones who left here with black hearts just go on to the next place to try and figure it out again.

God exists because we move on and need to believe some entity is doing this to us. But it is just us assigning a job to allow us to have a higher unseen power to blame. We don't love god we pity ourselves. It's what make us feel better about the evil we do.  We are incapable of being good people.

We have soul mates that if we are lucky we find in this place. But we cannot believe in ourselves enough yet to believe that they are our other half. So we destroy that as well. Our hate and need to destroy is greater then our need to find inner peace. No matter what we tell ourselves.  We tell ourselves that god is our middle yet we cannot convince ourselves that the other side of our two exists.