Heartbreaks 1 but who is counting........

"For every beat that my heart makes there are some beats missing and those are the ones that are missing you. That is how my heart knows you are not here and until I see you again they will always be that way. The softness of you voice whispering those words in my ear are but a memory now one that I cherish and bring with me each and every day. " Once in a lifetimes may only just be that but they also bring with them the most wonderful and joyous times that can be so uplifting and soulful. But they can also be the ones that will break your heart and crush your soul. The day we met was such a beautiful day that no one could ever change or mar. The crossing of two souls that would have never even known each other had certain events not taken place. I had never planned to be there and then went with the others because I was needed to go. I was not the type to go and be amongst the people. I was not even dressed for the event. You do not even know the pangs it took for me to be there. When you walked into the room I did not even glance at you. But I remember that moment like it was yesterday. You asked who I was to my friend and I know because he told me. But you see I did not even care. I think the part where the ladies in charge came in later and told me I was needed at the big event when I offered to stay behind and then told me to find you when I got there. I should have known something was up. I got there and what a party it was I was completely out of dress and that was just the beginning. But your friend was there and he saw me and told me to wait right there so I did. I was good at that. And here you came you told me I was working with you. Well, I would not call walking around with you and talking all night working but I do not know how you charmed me but you were the most amazing kind, caring, compassionate person I had ever met. Do you remember we talked all night it was as if no one was around us, no one existed in the entire place. That was the night you called me amyness and when I asked you why you said it meant everything about me. This was your name for me. From that day on we were inseparable at least during the rest of the event and for several weeks after. We spent every moment we could together even your birthday. You had my heart and soul I could not even tell you the first time we kissed. A kiss with you was such a intense moment and was all that was needed I knew from that how you felt. But I could tell you that you taught me about real love and how to give your heart to someone. I had never fallen so in love with someone so intensely that when it was over you asked me why I did not cry. I could not the pain was to great. You had taken something from me that left me with such a void that I could not even find the water inside to cry. When you left I cried but it took along time. The reason it ended was I think the saddest part because it was not something that we did it was out of our control. I think it hurt you so painfully and deeply as well and I am and always have been so sorry for not understanding better the reasons for why you had to do what you did. I know your heart was hurting too and for you to have to make the choices you did back then were just as hard.

I had never been so hurt and destroyed until that day my heart was so broken and my soul was missing a part of it. Even now I have a hard time with writing this. Why I do not know. Is this what is like to love with all you have and put your soul into it that when it ends with a reason that really broke both our hearts. We could not be together not that we did not want to be we could not. Choices had to be made. I spent a week with friends at a beach far away after that just sitting looking at the water. Love is a powerful thing it was for me I had never know a love like this and it took us by surprise. Have you ever just touched someone and knew by that touch or that was all you needed. This was how we were. We did not need anything else, a kiss was a powerful moment between us. We would lay next to each other and that was all we needed. Do I believe he was my soulmate? He was someone that completed me in so many ways. The time we had was like no other that I have ever experienced and since a part of me has always been missing. Twice I have been somewhere and he was there. The first time I walked by him and just turned around and looked into his eyes I knew it was him I saw the pain there and had to look away. It was at least 14 years later. Then I saw him again about three years ago and it was across a room I was walking away and had this feeling and turned and once again saw him we knew immediately and again the pain was there. It is a moment of emotional intensity that is so hard to understand unless you knew what it was like. Like I said the saddest part is this was one where it did not matter how much you loved someone outside circumstances prevented us from ever moving forward. The irony is where I am today......

It Just Is

It Just Is 

 You will make my world go around as long as you exist. I cannot imagine this place without you here. You bring your light and add it to my soul every time i see you. What we take for granted on this earth are the same things that I could never take from you. Our journey to this place has been one of the most longest and now that we are at this point I find it is a good place. I do not think that words convey what you are to me because honestly I do not know. To say that it's love would be incorrect I don't think that is it. I find our journey has a deeper meaning and it's when I'm nearest to your soul that I feel it. You know my heart better then anyone in this world. You found within yourself to know that I would not ever do anything to hurt you and we went to a different place for awhile but it's the other things that brought you back. Not everyone has another that has a connection to another that just is. And maybe that is what this is. It just is. 

The world is a place that will always be here but you and I will not.  We are two people who are on this place that find moments not days, places not spots, seconds but not time and yet here we are.  Each moment is just that a moment not meant to find a way.  Each place is just a place without meaning, each second is momentary but not across time. We will wither and die but never know nor have the moment to see where our direction will end.  But maybe that is why this is. It just is.

Life is the journey that we have been taking wandering through it with strength and determination.  Our paths cross and cross again but never with meaning or substance.  We have been very near and very far, close and wide but never knowing when.  If life is the journey we have been following then the destination has been happening all along. The destination is the place our soul has tried to find that brings comfort.  But maybe that is all it is. It just is.

It just is…...

The Journey into 2013

The journey keeps us moving but not always in the direction that we expect it to go.  Over the course of this year I have lost some great people and lost some others that I thought were great as well.  I learned that we have to enjoy this road as we travel it with hopes that no matter which way we go there will be good things ahead.  And yet while we get to begin this New Year with a reflection of the old and what we may have done differently the path has been laid.

Losing family members this year was sad and heartbreaking.  It seems that you really cannot stop time or slow it down but you just have to be glad you get up every morning and be the best person you can be.  Each day brings us one step closer to the end of our journey and yet we never know when that will be.  Funny how that does not stop us from some of the things we do.  

Friends, wow I could write a book on this subject but they are apart of the journey and while it is good to have them sometimes you learn some cruel lessons from them.  On another side you also find that their loyalty is something that can be fickle which always surprises me.  But as I said I could write a book on that it would be more of a lessons learned book.  But friends can be the greatest asset on your path.  They are there to make it easier when it does not seem to be.  My lessons from this year that I am taking onto the next year are ones that deal with how I will choose my friends to continue on my journey.  And what did I learn that affected this path was the mere fact that not all friends are what they seem.  

I have to say I did make some great new people this year that I am glad to have met.  They are people from long ago that I knew and now have begun talking to again.  Not all those that I have left on past paths are back just some that I feel comfortable talking with.  

Please read

Once again I caution you the reader never to read anything into what I write as I do not myself read anything into what those ten fingers attached to my two hands write. My thoughts are formulated and then I write what comes out is what you get. Odd as it may seem I really do not know anything about writing and I think most of it is just ramblings of my mind.

Now that I have once again for the I do not know how many times stated that I will write again about absolutely nothing that will make you any more knowledgeable then what you already are. While I may find the spilling out of my stories on this blog interesting you are only here to look because it is on my facebook page. Which I thank you for taking the time to come on over here to read. I do remove stuff from time to time to put the other writings back in. Some of them are sad and more about me then this later stuff. I do not want to bore you with that. Unless you really want to be bored and if that were the case well there are other things more interesting. Once in a while I have a soapbox I get on when something ticks me off.

As for my back pain since I have not been droning on about it on facebook it seems that the next couple of weeks are full of tests. Yep, I get to go have another mri this time on my upper back but I do get sleep during it. I can only take so much tapping and knocking. Then a nerve test, I could tell them I have nerves I do have three children and they have proven that I do have nerves. Had that one before not looking forward to it. I did have really high blood pressure today and got to explain that yes while I am in pain I just am not wimpy enough to show you how much.. at least until the assistant had me do all the movement tests then those tears were dragged out of my ducts with force that I could not hold back. But blood pressure does not lie when you are in pain. I take never let them see you cry to heart and as a sign of defeat to which I will never never allow happen. I enjoy a good game of football with the boys too much.

love is sometimes sad

For you my friend I will find you to be the fascination of my fancy forever. You will be the one person that I will never get to hold your hand, take walks with you on the sand or just enjoy life with again. Our time has been lost to the years gone by. Taken from our moments without ever knowing if there was something else. Without ever getting that opportunity to find out more. Once we had time long ago. We were able to be a part of this place together and enjoy our days once. Finding comfort within each other. Knowing the other was going to be there or at least thinking so.

Being apart is a heavy heartful way to be. Souls that cannot seem to find the path to each other but yet find the crossings everytime. Thinking of your face brings back the love in your eyes. the kindness that you have. The warmth of your hands along with your eyes. Always endearing to see and a delight to have near. Whenever we had our times together they were the fondest of memories. These were the ones I cherish, the ones that no one can take away. You sould is apart of my heart and will always be there for you.

Have I seen you since? I do not know but there are times that I think yes. A quick glance in a room once is all I got and it could have been you. You saw me as well, we both had a look on our faces that was shock but if it was a recognized face then you were probably just as momentarily taken back as I was. To a moment in time, a place that was perfect if only for a short second but it was ours and no one elses.

Peace

Peace is a place that you find yourself at when you want to ignore the world and its harsh realities. Sometimes it is just a matter of allowing your mind to drift off and think about other places your would rather be, places that bring you calmness and tranquility. Something we do not always get in this world. You can find peace in almost any situation that you seem to think you cannot it is there just look within your self and it will be there.

My First Day

Well here you have it the long awaited version of my world and the days that go with it. The title was meaningful to me because I can write about my first day here on this new adventure. The door to this opened with the help of a very kind soul who found that I had the ability to write and encouraged me to do so. For this I thank you.

Today we ponder what is going to happen next and what that path will bring. As we learn about all the things that are out there and the happenings in this place it brings many thoughts about how we are to cope with the vast changes that are taking place. We go through the day and open doors that change our course every second. What would it be like to be able to close those doors and open another one to peak inside and see if we like that one better. Although we do not have the ability to do this it would be great wouldn't it. Can you imagine what we could do if given this opportunity. But would that make us a better person or help us make the choices we make. Or will it allow us to become over confident in our choices. If we open the door and go in we are unable to turn around and go back. We have to continue on a path that could lead to our own demise or the opening of another door. Taking chances is a daily thing we really do this all the time but do not think about it until we realize that sometimes we should have not taken the door we did. The sad thing about this is that others do not always allow us the opportunity to have regrets without some sort of consequence. We seem to enjoy others tragedies and thrive on them instead of learning to forgive and move on to another door. No one asked us to choose the door we opened we just did and the other person opened a door also and now the doors are standing open without closing. But in order to close that door the lesson has to be learned. There are always lessons from the moment we need to learn. But do we always get that lesson right away, no. Sometimes we have to go through pain and misery at the expense of someone else then have those previous regrets and then possibly close the door.

So when you open a door make sure you know that you will learn a lesson and it may not be today that you know what it is but know that some day you will. For it is the promises from our past that gave us the outlook for today.