The story of me!! Part 2

So hello readers i was thinking on a long distance flight home the I failed to tell you about the other family members. This story impacted in other ways. This new part fits in   I guess a little vodka gets my wheels moving. I reread this one and while it has a partial flow I will have to one day fix it..  

Now I am first of sorry to who in my family may be offended but  my long term memory is quite accurate. So let us start at the very very beginning.  Yep the first contact my mother and father made. Apparently they both were at the beach and that eye contact, wow!!  

My father really loved my mother as dysfunctional as it was. My mom was a very wealthy young lady her parents who i call na-na and pa  had a notion of who she should hang out with. My father was not deemed worthy. Well, soon she was pregnant eloped to kings island Ga to get married.  The boy came very early... oh my but my na-na would not want to have her only child caught up in a scandal. So my nana tolld her family he was early. Even in the family tree, which is a extremely wide book, i might be kin to you!! Lol.  So his bday was in June. A few few years later I corrected the date after laughing. 

Her parents set her up in a nice home in brooksville.  Well here is where it gets horrific. Her husband would come home and beat the crap out of her.  Her parents lived nearby.  My mother really was a very kind soul. 

About 3 years later I was born.  Well, they " stayed" together for about 2 more years.  He was a philanderer and his guilt caused him to beat the crap out of my mother and brother.  He was pretty brazen considering my pa always had  three loaded rifles next to his bed.   

My grandparents stepped in they had enough. I do not know how but they bought her a nice home in orange park, Jacksonville fl.  We had a great time i was only 3 my brother 5.  My mother was weak.  He came begging  back. Sold the house and moved us to hialeah.  Now I must tell you that my mother had a male nanny for us. I do not need to spell it out. 

How is my memory I can still take my family to see that house. I can tell you about everyday that I lived there. 

We we end up in Hialeah and lived in this tiny apartment on the main drag. I have no clue where all that money he pocketed from a sale of a house that was not his. 

The some months later we moved to a wonderful house off of flagami.  It was there I met some friends that I still am friends with. In fact three of the kids on my block who I played with ended up in the same children's home, yep!! Wow!! 

My mother took me to the baptist church at Flagler and the palmetto.  

I started kindergarten at Flagami elementary.  Okay so this is where is gets to be horrific.  One day I was sitting in the living room watching

sonny and char.  Elton john was the guest.  It was storming.  There was a knock at the door.  My mother was able to get to the door.  At this moment breaking news came on about the goodyear blimp on fire, elton was singing benny and the jets. It wad a neighbor who had a very pregnant dachshund who was lost.  My mother took her in. We named her penny.  She and my dachshund tiny really loved each other. The old old sisters next door gave my a little doll that i still have. 

My mother became friends wiyh a women whose daughter was Cindy.   We had a good friendship. We were in kindergarten together.                  My father moved us to 1020 sw 86th court.  The amount of violence i witnessed and felt was horrific. My father had one affair after another then out of I guess guilt came home and beat the shit out of all of us. 

A side note: he did have someone who made some of our meals and another who sewed us clothes. I think his guilt caught up.  But we would go to Tampa and had to be on our best behavior, we knew what would happen if we did not. 

Another sidenote: I remember my fathers mother giving me baths using johnson and johnson. I may have been 1 year. The water was pumped from the outside with my grandfather pumping. We stayed in a room off the kitchen. 

My grandparents in Tampa who had  some great birthday parties.   We had a yummy cake, sweet sandwiches this part of my world growing up was really sad for me. 

All the family piled into their little house in Ybor. It was a reprieve from the violence. 

His parents were not fond of my mother. They knew she came from money. One aunt did not like my mother all.  We lived off main street 8th. Ave in tamiami.  IOh, i went to everglades elementary for about a couple of years. In third grade my teacher Ms Young would make me her punching bag.  I am not kidding. I made a face at a boy she saw it and went after me.  She was a hateful teacher. 

My pa would over every morning and afternoon to picked up or deliver me to school. I remember sitting the hood of his hood finishing up my homework. I heard she passed away. Maybe she went in the wrong door again. 

Yet, there I was with bruises so fresh you could see them get worse.  It was legal for teachers to spank children. And they did. Mrs young was a horrid person. She would always find a reason to spank me. Anything and i was in the bathroom being spanked. 

I was in girl scouts. My mother was the assistant.  She made some friends there. I remember carol Hathaway and a girl i think her name was elizabeth fauk or faukner.   

The next year I got Ms cohen.  She was the nicest teacher.  She never hit me. My pa would come from the gables to drive me a few blocks to school everyday. The come back to tale me home. I loved my pa so much i am still tearing up.  

My mother spent everyday drinking Budweiser to where she was drunk. He would get home and the amount of violence was insane .   

My mother was a very kind sole who did not deserve the violence. None of us were. The was a family that lived behind us on galloway. The daughter would come yo our house everyday to put a bra on. Her father was not a nice person i guess. I think she was in high school. 

Then the father got pneumonia and my grandparent's took him to the hospital.    During his stay movers came and took my mom, brother and me to their house. Paid my father and he had to give sole custody to my mother.  

My gma described her house as a little bungalow. Two bedrooms one bath.   She also decided that we were inter-fearing in their golden years. We heard this over and over all the time. 

I ended up in 5th grade  at Sylvania height's with ms magidson. She was nice but had a odd way of talking. Still teachers could not report abuse. 

In 6th grade i had ms kinstler.   She loved bed red gum. Everyone gave her big packages of it. I did not. But i was horribly treated by a good majority of my fellow class mates. I would run out the room and go to ms star in the library there she would hug me and give me books to read.   My escape was reading i could go away some place safe. 

Now there are people on my fb page that who apart of the non stop bullying. One day at free play i was by a big tree.   My classmates decided it would be fun to shove a huge amount of berries from the tree in my pants. 

You may think that bringing it ip here matters and yes it does. I had a girl petrina smith who was my only friend. She gave me hope. I think her father was a pilot.iThe impact made on us still burns regardless of the years gone by. I know at least 5 that are on fb that i guess felt good  about their hate when they teased me and did awful things to me. 

My nana was not the nicest person. My fathers family really did not care about me. I knew it and it truly did not bother me.  I knew i was not liked but some. 

In fact whine i was taken away my father was told he had to have visitation. So the state me on a plane and shipped me there. he would pick me up and put me in his trailer with no food or water. He would not come back for hours upon hours. He would get his sibling to let me come over for the day. 

One day his sibling wife took my cousin and i to her sisters house. Well they were all boys. Out of the blue one states that aunt () does not like me.  It really hurts me.  The aunt them took us to the store she bought me a skirt and top. But she really was opposed to it.   My brother lived with them. But he screwed up and was kicked out. But they still not want me. I took it with deep sorrow. Who tells someone she hates a child in front of other people and children.  It was always an  strange feeling when we went to their home. To this day i feel awkward around them. 

Then there was my grandma and grpa but i was not privy what was happening in that side.  I had another aunt who wanted and to raise me. I really loved my aunt. She made clothes and things for us and when one of her nieces had a baby she would make us linens and a special one that was from a roll of fabric our gma had picked out many years ago. 

I of course was pitied by my uncles family according to one person.  

My bio told her no. I am sure i would have a great childhood. I really loved her but now she hates me. She would tell the family that i was always copying cathy and christine.  With my wedding and what i thinking about majoring it. I guess not seeing me for a few years does that. I told her i am finishing up my classes to be able to transfer to the fau college. It was my dream to became a doctor. Well then she accused me of doing the same thing copying my cousin.  I was proud of my world even though my aunt seemed to think i was a an idiot.  I guess hate is hard to deal.  I would call my uncle Tony and speak with him.  Again always felt like a intruder.  

My father married helen.  I think they great things. Since my bio could not horrid he had it all. They were there when my oldest son was born. I really live her. My middle child found kindred spirit with her.   In no way was I going to be a part of this family. 

Years later the third cousin decided to air out some dirty laundry. She told them that no one in the family liked us. 

My bio, mother, brother and me were the black sheep of the family. She went on to say allot of hateful and hurtful things about me. She did not even know me.  These people never felt sorry for the things they did to me. Imagine going to your cousins home and just leaving me there. I really felt allot of pain from them. I tried to be kind but i only talk through fb my cousins.  I am not invited to their big days like the wedding etc. 

So i had two families that did not want me and still do not made it very clear. But thank you your hate and spewing of things just made me stronger. 

I have some other cousins in tampa that we only communicate through facebook.  Again never invited to anything. I would loved to have my children meet my cousins but that is slammed shut door. 

So enough of that. Lets go. I would do this trailer thing every time i had to go visit him.  He married my first stepmother Pat.  Then i stayed on the ranch. I loved the freedom to walk around the grounds. She had cows and other animals.  But he messed that up. It was back to the trailer.   

When I was taken away it had a profound effect. I went to school got decent grades.  Until one day my nana took me to McDonalds she loved the fish sandwich. On the way home she informed me that she informed me that she would not  be paying for me to go to college. I had a boyfriend whose mother  and nanny did not approve of me. Thats okay a coupled of years later nanny accused me of hurting her.  The boyfriend never tried to get my side of the story so we broke up. He had to give my wedding ring back. But was a beautiful ring full of big diamond's.   But then i wanted to go to tv production. David was still my friend. He would pick me up and take me to class. 

We were volunteers at the miami film festival.   We were tasked  with transportation of the celebrities to events.  This is where a magical kind of romance happened. Going into detail takes allot of strength. So i will just say he could have been the one but weeks later the ship sailed away without me. 

I was a camp counselor at a summer camp in the Berkshire mountains. Once again my nana told me i could do it. I was an adult so she had nothing to hold over my head.   

I arrived in Newark airport. I was supposed to get to catch the bus to camp.  But i was way early. I met this one person on the ride into nyc.  He offered to show me around. So my young  soul did not find him to be a dangerous person.  He helped get my luggage into a locker at the bus station.  We went all over the city. Stopped at his uncles store we had pizza near by. His uncle was very nice. Next we went across the strength to another family member sold me a walkman.  I paid about $10 for it. 

We were walking around and ww found a restaurant named Amy's. I asked him where the empire state building he said look up and there was this really tall building. As time got closer he gave me his name and number in case i make it back. Which i did a couple of times. 

So i get on the bus for camp kenwood and kenmont every thing was brand new to me. I was hired to teach the counselors tv production. We had allot of fun. Then somehow i became the archery teacher. Not sure how it happened.  Earlier same year i came up first to Charlotte nc. To see my childhood friend graduate from high school. She was supposed to go to myrtle beach with all her friends. Another family i was jealous of.  I met someone. We talked all night. I wad leaving to nyc to be a camp

Counselor.  

This person came ip to Kent ct to surprise me. I got a four night on leave to go with him. We had such a wonderful time.  And from the beginning of camp i had two friends. David and this other person Joe His dad was president of twa.  

The three of us were schedule our days off to be together. We would go to nyc they knew all the places to go. While there i saw this lady with a ling mink coat on. I was not sure was doing until the two of them explained to me. 

In the same year i up and moved to charlotte. I was temp in an apartment. Then i was a member of the college student house. The owners of this huge estate   I rented out the room near the stairs. I felt at home there.  I needed a decent job.  She told me about her ex. He owned a company the does employee sales technique and also handled employee theft. 

I got the job and did that for a couple years. I also did a play a big puppet man. Yes i put on a heavy costume that was not ventilated. I think i got take aa the guy never paid me for my work. 

I always had two jobs. I enjoyed it. And i fell.  Which caused a great deal pain. My vertebrae were fractured in my lower spine.  So my grandmother put her foot down and demanded i come home. I told her i would not live with her. So i called up ken and asked if i could rent a room. He said okay.  I had to every other day to the spinal clinic.  They did nothing for me. 

At this point i live in a house with person i would marry one day. I told him this when my friend introduce to him. It was such a big part of my life.  I told he would marry him. But it took 8 years of him coming up for visits. Bringing with him my grandmothers pound cake. We wrote and talked on the phone.  Cards for occasion's. He truly wax my closest friend.  We have a bond that began in another lifetime. His was of asking me was first call my pa and ask his his blessing. They were extremely in the old part of the world. And then to the jewelry store where said pick out which ring set i wanted. I really never thought about that part.     So i had many beautiful rings to choose one.   I choose a small dainty set. Jewelry is something i just do not like.  In hind-site i should have gone for the bigger diamonds.  

And so begins our courtship. We did everything together.   We had 2 long haired kitties. Ken was there person. I rescued them and yup they could not care less about me.   Then andrew hit. We were up in new jersey at his cousins house. We saw the warnings but it started to turn.  So we had just gotten done with his cousin and the lovely other cousins.  And we then turned the tv. Miami is going be hit. Oh great. So we have to get home fast. We drove out to Newark we had a booked early ticket.  But everyone is trying to get home.  His brother put on the window shutters.  M

So we get to Atlanta again we got lucky   I had booked the to flights with another time. But it was a effort. Then the powers that be you know delta giving away seats only if you id states you are from miami dade county. I overheard the attendant's giving away  free flights for Hawaii or some other island.  They tickets were for todays flights. We got one board and they were still asking for volunteer's.   So we all from miami only waited and waited. Jacksonville had closed there towers up. Then by the stroke of luck we could take off. 

Stephan kings novel the langoliers came to mind. We were at the mercy of towers who guided us. We criss crossed the state and even down south. We had to land in between the squall lines. We eventually did get home. As we were getting off the plane the pilot said goodnight and good luck. 

In memoriam poem

 Poem

Always A Moment Away

By Amymaree Goldberg

When the wind blows we will hear your laugh and when the rains fall we will here your footsteps , and when we sleep and dream you will be our guardian angel who sits on our bedside during the night wrapping your arms around us, 

With your hug keeping us warm. 

For death is always a moment away. Time eventually gets us all. Live your life, every bit as if the journey  is the last. For when the times comes for you to say farewell to everyone. you will be leaving those left behind the memories that you shared.  

 Dear Readers,

It has been awhile since I have written anything to you or to myself.  But I wanted to let you know that you can comment on the works you have read.  

thanks for taking the time to read my minds weird thoughts and my life.

amy

No more...

I wrote this at 4 am. But please know that I am fine. No matter how bleak our world can be I will never lose what bobby gave me. So I write and this was written after I wrote a real letter to someone else.  Do I believe in my soul yes it has gotten me through extremely hard times. Do I believe in what I write yes. Because if I did not them it's not my soul. So enjoy and know I write.


It is with great sadness that I now have no faith , trust or hope in people. I have learned that you can put these into your belief that people truly are this but then you find that they are not. You want to believe that the world is good and that people have good hearts but instead you learn the same lesson over and over. That people are liars, destroyers and haters. Their only intentions are to knock down your soul. Am I being dramatic why yes I am. For all the good I try to believe each person is I find that the bad is always so vile in them. It is as if they wear a shell of what is expected but under is their hate. Waiting to come out.

What happened to just being a kind person? being the person who just likes people with no intentions? What happened to faith, honesty and trust?

So there you have it. I will miss my love of being innocent to the belief in people really are good. I will miss my trust in knowing that it will be okay.

I have allowed this world's vile, dark and evil to touch my soul. My soul who used to believe in forgiveness and that people were capable of goodness.  To think I believed that life has to get easy because the beginning was so horrible. That no matter what I went through I could still have faith in humanity. I forgave so easily because it was the way I thought you should be.

I guess love truly cannot win in this world. It is just not the one true we can ever attain. We can search for it and think we found it in every person but it's not there. It's just a word that gives us hope. Hope that is just never going to make it. With this word is the need to destroy it over and over.  Yet we do not try and destroy the feelings of the hate. We thrive in hate and darkness.  The evil that is here is not coming it's here. It's what makes us. No matter how much we tell ourselves that we are not haters. We try to and succeed at destroying everything we touch. We build ourselves up in the process of destroying others. We have to find the wrong in all parts of our day. We try and be good people but we cannot. We are users sucking the life out of everything. We have caused so much hate amongst ourselves that we believe we are good. No one is good hearted we do not have that capability in any part of us.

I want to hope that there were good people who saw the good but it seems I feel they got to leave purgatory early. Who is to say this is not where we end up until we do right by our wrongs committed somewhere else.
Where we thrive like parasites given a place of beauty. Which we have destroyed.  Our only innocent moment is when we are born. This place is filling up with lost souls.   We must have been very evil to end up here.

I watched and observed only to learn that we are mean and spiteful. I always had the glimmer of hope that those few I bonded with had the same souls. I think we did but those souls are leaving here at a fast pace. The good ones don't leave young they leave when their soul has been cleansed of the evil. They finally get to be free.  They were at the end of there purgatory and ready to get out of here. They learned to be the person they needed to be. The ones who left here as free souls get to be whole again. The ones who left here with black hearts just go on to the next place to try and figure it out again.

God exists because we move on and need to believe some entity is doing this to us. But it is just us assigning a job to allow us to have a higher unseen power to blame. We don't love god we pity ourselves. It's what make us feel better about the evil we do.  We are incapable of being good people.

We have soul mates that if we are lucky we find in this place. But we cannot believe in ourselves enough yet to believe that they are our other half. So we destroy that as well. Our hate and need to destroy is greater then our need to find inner peace. No matter what we tell ourselves.  We tell ourselves that god is our middle yet we cannot convince ourselves that the other side of our two exists.

what you will gain by reading this or is her mind this bizarre?

Well, you will gain allot of insight into what makes a mind like mine tick. I do not profess to be a writer I just write. I never planned to do this I actually wanted to be a doctor even got right up to med school and decided it was not for me. I know I was not pleased with myself when self told me that we were not going to continue. Had to do with blood and the fact that I do not like it. Yeah sure I would get used to it. But self knew better and good thing because I still do not like blood. But enough or I might faint. Getting back to my writing I really love to write but it is not like a switch that I can just turn on and then away I go unfortunately that is not the case. I have to have a reason to write something that will put me in the frame of mind and give me the ideas and the thought lines to begin. That is why the years between writings are far between I wish I could just pick up the computer and begin but nope I have to formulate all the words and put them together and then sit down and write no rough drafts for me it is sit down and write until i am done.

Yes , my thoughts can get rather confusing and weird doesn't everyone's or they just are afraid to write it down. That is okay I have accepted that some of my stuff is rather odd to read kind of goes in a circle. Some of my earlier work looks similar to later work I think that is a continuation of the earlier for some reason i never read the earlier before I write so I am always amazed how similar they are. I must be finishing the story somehow. So enjoy them read them over a couple of times and leave your comments and please do not take the things I say personally some of it is personal but some is not it is just thought provoking ramblings of my ideas about things.

forgiveness or why I really want to try the angry side of me

Okay, I am going to try this correct grammer thing since I was told I should use it. So forgive me if I forget once in awhile. I found this topic and thought to self hum do I really want to forgive or do I want to try out anger first since I have not tried out anger I really wanted to do that. Not just any anger the kind of anger that I see others do to me the kind where they use me as a friend until they are done or they get what they want then toss me aside and my feelings get hurt so my anger deep down in the bottom of my soul anger sits. Or the anger when I feel cheated out of something and I make it stay down because I am a nice person at heart and I really do not try and rock the boat and sometimes I do.

I never realized why I am the person who tries the hardest to be happy or let things be most of the time. I used to get mad but not really angry to where I hated so much. I would shake and cry first I just could never be like that. I had the childhood from hell and never thought that I should be angry about being cheated out of it. Never really hated my parents for doing the things they did just felt sorry for them because they could not be parents and it was not their fault it was who they were. I always see the good in people even when others do not and they tell me how they don't like a person that I know. But I do not listen because I feel that is not fair the person should be given a chance and I do not mind if they are a pain or needy they still need a friend and I can do that I am kind of a needy person we all are to someone else we just do not know we are. Ask you will find one person you are needy to.

But now we have to move on to the topic of forgiveness. Which I think is one of the hardest things for us mere mortals to do. Why you may ask well lets see you are putting your heart out there, your pride, your ego and all those other things we cannot really see unless we open you up in some cases to be rejected, hurt, stomped on, bruised get my point. So here goes you first have to get right with yourself and that is finding it within yourself the desire to say "self you are going to forgive this person it is for the saving of your friendship, you and this person should not throw it down the drain, get over your pride and just do it" sometimes self does not listen and the stubborn side tells you "no, don't do it you did nothing wrong they did it leave it alone"" well if you both leave it alone then it will never get resolved. So you will end a friendship instead of hurting your pride. Gee, you take other risks in life all the time so why not this one, what is it the one that has too much at stake or you may not like the outcome. Well, guess what you won't know unless you try.

Okay, so it took me in one case a very long time to resolve my pain and move forward. I think I had to forgive the others that cared for me not necessarily the other person he really did not know I was there and his forgiveness needs to come from his heart as well. I think the first step was the hardest and that was resolving that they just did not know how to handle the situation I mean you can pray and talk to g-d but we are human and need contact but that never happened I never was held and was told to cry it was go to school, heck I did not even get the day off. I wonder if they ever realized how traumatized I was that day. I mean it is not everyday you see what I saw. But at some point I think I never forgave the adults for how they handled it, they just had no clue and I guess they did not have a book to go by either. Well enough about that, let's move on. Forgiving that act of moving forward without looking back. I imagine by now you are thinking I do not have anyone to forgive I have done nothing wrong to anyone. You would be surprised by your actions and what they have cost you. Sit in a circle and ask that question and there will be a conversation that will go on. We cannot do this of course because if we did it would turn into an argument and then well we would have to forgive each other for arguing.

So when was the last time you forgave or someone asked you to forgive them. It is not a daily ritual sadly we just are not programed to do this. Men have to be brave and save face show the woman that he is strong and invincible no wimpy dude is he. Women have to be the queen of the room, in charge , in control of the situation no way can she forgive the others would not look up to her. Sorry everyone but you have to give in or this will never get done. We just cannot be this way and expect for our little world to continue if we do not forgive because without it we have to keep making new friends and can you imagine the time and energy you would have to put into that. Some of us are high maintenance and need lots of tlc so we cannot afford to lose friends. While others have low maintenance and really little care.



Now when it comes time to step up to forgive you will need a road map so you know what to say or do. Before you start think about what you are going to say, how will you approach the conversation. Remember the other person is most likely not happy with you and therefore you must sooth the choppy sea before you go in for the forgive lines. Make sure you do not under any circumstance make them sound like the culprit this will not help your situation in any way. Understand that you will have to be very nice and mean it don't do this unless you really mean it. Forgiving has to come from your heart and be very soulful it cannot be just a thing you do. So when you are really ready then you can do this but you have to be completely ready and know that you can leave all the anger behind you and be happy with the person again without any doubt. Good Luck.

Blah!

Yep, today is one of those days when I want to say something but yet it has not come to mind. While you may think that I have very little on this blog you should see my closet it is full of drafts, finished blogs and ones that will never see the light of day. I am not the writer I just do this to create a place to put my thoughts down so I can not forget them. On my facebook I have quotes I have made up and one day I will put them here as well. But that will be allot of copy and pasteing to get them here.

The drafts have just yet to be continued for that reason that we all have procrastination. I started writing it and just stopped, I felt that I was not ready to move it forward and create what I wanted so into the closet of unfinished it went with all the others. Some have come to fruition and shown up on here while many are waiting for their middle and ending. I will go in there and see if anything wants to be finished and if the words come to me I will bring it on out for editing and away I will go. Otherwise it will stay there hoping for the day that I can make it into the blog it so wants to be.

Then we have my finished ones that sit and wait. They are done and are rotated out with the ones that are there now. I figure in order not to overwhelm myself I only post a few and that way you and I do not get completely confused on my brain thoughts. All of them are reflective of my life or written with something that happened and then it sets off the blog. Either way you get to read them and I get control over them at all times. Not that anyone reads them that I am aware of. No comments which I like. Commenting is your opinion and my work is not asking for opinions nor do I need anyone to grow my ego. I write to give me my peace of mind and because it seems to be fun. Oh, and I am not a writer.

Now for the ones that you will never see and the light of day won't either. These are the ones that are not for anyone eyes to read. I would have to put disclaimers out that you could come away with all sorts of conditions after reading them. So it is best they stay locked away. See you now want to know what they are about and are eager to read them. Who sezs you have not already and I just decided that they are no longer for the worlds eyes anymore. Could be that I wrote it, posted it for a time and that was it. Kind of like a one time deal. Here it is! Take a look! Now it is gone forever! Only for my eyes and no one elses. There are some in there. Nothing that is mind blowing or reveals the and earth shattering news, at least none that I am aware of. But they are mine. Maybe one day you will read one and wonder if this is one of those that is in this category. Hummmm, you will never know. Like I would reveal that secret.